Friday, October 29, 2010
I couldn’t help it, I started crying. I didn’t know what was going on, but this was a terrible surprise. What did he mean, I was married? I have never been married! I shakily opened the door to the house. I could hear Tom and Bill shouting upstairs. My heart was hammering in my chest as I walked up the stair banister towards the shouting. Normally when they fought, I hid until it was over, but I felt now was a good time for me to inform Bill that I wasn’t married and that I had no idea what he was talking about.
As I pushed the door open I could hear them screaming at each other in German. Bill was an inch from Tom’s face, both boys had their fists balled up. Two identically furious expressions focused on me when I cleared my throat.
I wiped at my face as I turned my attention to Bill.
“I don’t know what this is about, but I have never been married.” Then my face crumpled and I started crying again. Ugh, so much for being the strong female counterpart.
I felt Bill’s arms slide around me. I buried my face in his shoulder and cried. I wasn’t sure why I was crying so much, I didn’t usually get this emotional.
“I’m sorry.” Bill was murmuring while he stroked my hair. I stopped crying and wiped my face.
“Who told you I was married, and why wouldn’t you ask me first?” I was suddenly angry at the person who started this mess.
“Josh sent David paperwork that you had signed, I’m sorry, I should have asked first instead of accusing you.” He looked down at me warily.
“I have never signed anything, ugh, he never even PROPOSED. I will kill that backstabbing lepper!” I was pissed. Josh was forging documents now? Then my heart sunk. This means he had gone to the press. The fans would be heartbroken.
“Bill, oh my god, Josh went to the press didn’t he?” I didn’t look at his face, but I felt his head nodding. I closed my eyes against the tears that streamed silently down my face again.
“Why is he doing this to me?”
“This is what happens. People make up lies to the press to make money. I’m sorry love, I’m sorry.” Bill wrapped his arms around me, squeezing me closer.
Tom interrupted us then.
“We need to make a statement. Jessi, I know you don’t want to be in the spotlight, but you don’t have much choice. I am not going to sit here while this bastard trashes your name. We need to have our reps issue a statement today.” He stood up with purpose and flipped open his phone.
Bill kissed my forehead and nodded in agreement with Tom.
“Yes, we need a statement and a lawyer. Forging documents is a crime and this is slander. I plan on prosecuting to the full extent of the law. No one comes after my wife.” I smiled at his tenacity. I loved it when Bill showed his fierce side.
I wiped the tears away from my face, blew my nose and straightened up. Taking Bill’s hand in mine I turned to Tom and winked.
“Mr. Photographer, I am ready for my close-up.”
The next day was a short course in insanity. Bill and Tom were on the phone with their reps all day while I painstakingly read the articles trashing me online.
“Bill’s Future Wife is a Tramp!”
“Bill’s Wife Already a Wife!”
“Bill Heartbroken as Fiancé Announces Engagement to Another Man!”
Bill finally took the computer away from me.
“This isn’t healthy. You know these aren’t true, and no one will believe them when I am done with him.” He cuffed my chin in his palm and kissed my nose. Then his phone rang and he was off again.
I sighed and sank back into my chair. Now what? I shot out of my chair as an idea came to me. Of course! Why hadn’t I thought of this sooner? It was perfect!
I pulled out my cell phone and started dialing. Josh answered on the first ring.
Josh hung up before I could finish my string of curses. I closed my phone in frustration and slumped back in my chair. What a coward. He couldn’t even stay on the phone long enough for me to cuss him out.
Bill and Tom strode into the room then.
“We have a statement out and a lawyer pressing charges. They found out he got paid $130,000 for the forged documents.” Tom was breathless with excitement.
Bill linked hands with me and kissed my cheek.
“See, by tomorrow all the headlines will say things like, ‘Scammers Try To Ruin Kaulitz Wedding and Fail Miserably.’” His charming smile was irresistible. It was impossible to be upset when he was smiling at me.
“I tried to call Josh to tell him what an asshole he was but he didn’t stay on the phone long enough.”
Bill and Tom’s faces fell. So did mine.
“What?” Bill looked at me incredulously.
“I called Josh?” I was afraid maybe I had done a bad thing now.
“Jessi, now they can say you are in contact. Sweetie, you need a course in PR Training.” Bill exchanged a look with Tom, who rolled his eyes and started up on his phone again.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I just wanted to tell him he was a jerk.”
“It’s ok, Tom’s gonna take care of it.” Bill just smiled and put his arm around me.
“What am I going to do with you? Always causing trouble.” Then he kissed me.
If this was my punishment for causing trouble, I was fine with it.
Tom came back in the room then.
“Uh, Jessi, we have another problem.” Tom shifted his glance from Bill to me.
“The documents are notarized and filed with the state of California. It appears they are real.”
I shot out of my chair.
“WHAT? I never signed anything! I swear on my life, what the heck is going on? How did he get a marriage license without me?! I never married him, I swear to God, Bill I swear on everything!” I turned to Bill now, pleading. My heart was hammering in my chest. I was so frustrated. I didn’t know what Josh was doing, but I felt completely helpless.
“I don’t know. I don’t know, they just said they don’t appear to be forged…they are sending them our way.” Tom walked over and put a reassuring hand on Bill’s shoulder.
Bill leaned forward and ran his hands through his hair.
“Okay, so maybe he had someone pretend to be you?” Bill looked up at me hopefully. I was thankful he was at least trying to give me the benefit of the doubt. This looked so bad for me.
“I guess.” I gave a let out an angry sigh and dropped my head in my hands. “Now what? Now what do I do? It’s my word against his?”
Tom put his hand on my shoulder, “No, it’s our word against his.”
My best friend and I ended up staying the night at Bill and Tom’s house. The paparazzi had staked out my townhouse in town and my best friends flight back to the states didn’t leave for two more days. I was happy to have her there for moral support anyways. Staying at the twin’s house was nothing new. Bill and I had started staying with each other once we got engaged. Which was precisely what I was day dreaming about when I woke up feeling nauseous the following morning.
I was standing in the kitchen drinking tea with my best friend Jackie. The twins would be asleep for a few more hours. We were the only early birds in the house.
“I am letting this situation get the best of me. I couldn’t eat dinner last night and then this morning I woke up nauseous. I hope I feel better after some breakfast.” I blew on my tea a few more times before gingerly taking a sip.
“Want me to make you an omelet?” Jackie was the mothering type, which was good because right now I really needed mothering.
“That sounds delicious.” My stomach was growling already.
I sat on the barstool, brain fried from the events that had transpired the night before while Jackie made breakfast. I was lost in thoughts over how Josh had gotten the documents forged when Jackie slid the plate across the counter.
“Eat up kiddo.” She said with a warm smile.
“You really are the best.” I replied before shoveling a scoop of mushroom-egg-goodness into my mouth.
“Mmm this is delic-
I stopped talking as my stomach started gurgling. As the acid started to rise in my throat I jumped up from the counter and ran to the bathroom. I barely got the toilet seat up before I started heaving.
“Whoa, it’s okay, honey I am right here.” I could hear Jac’s mothering tone as she held my hair back and rubbed my shoulders.
I tried to reply but I couldn’t stop heaving. Then I started crying. It was all I seemed to be able to do lately was cry.
When I finally felt like the nausea was passing I stood up and wiped the tears away, washed my mouth out with water and blotted my face dry. I turned around to find Jackie in the doorway.
“I could kill Josh right now.”
“So could I,” she shifted uncomfortably then continued, “So, uh, want me to make you something else?”
I just laughed and shook my head, “No, I feel fine. I think it is just nerves, you know?”
“Yeah, well you kinda have the entire world against you right now, not to bring up the bad news…uh, yeah. Hey, think of it this way…you could be pregnant!” Then she started laughing and turned back towards the stove to clean up.
“That would be the worst thing that could happen right now.” I laughed back at her and sat back down to make another attempt at eating my omelet.
I finished my omelet without any more issues, and Jac and I sat in silence contemplating the events that were unfolding when Bill came down stairs. He was still in his pajama pants, a lose t-shirt and was rubbing the sleep from his puffy eyes.
“Morning ladies.” He grumbled as he poured himself a cup of coffee.
“Morning.” We replied.
He took a seat next to me on the love seat.
“You know, you never did get your surprise yesterday.” He gave me a sleepy smile before sipping at his coffee again.
“Yeah, I guess I didn’t huh?” I smiled back. “I guess I could use a good surprise right now.”
“Hmmm.” Was his response as he dug in his sweatpants pocket.
“I am going to go upstairs and take a shower.” Jackie interrupted.
I wasn’t really paying attention as she stood up and walked out of the room. I was focused on the single gold key Bill was placing in my hand.
“My surprise is the key to your heart? I thought I already had that.” I joked as I pulled the key out of his palm.
“Hardy har, no that is a key to the house. I was going to take you on a drive through the mountains and give it to you at sunset but our plans changed.” He grimaced slightly at the last part of his statement.
“Thank you honey, but I already have a key to your house. I got one when I first started as your assistant.” I smiled back at him, putting the key back in his palm. Surely he hadn’t forgotten that much, I had been using it for the past year and a half.
“Yes, I know that, but you didn’t have a key as an occupant of the house. I want you to move in with me. I would feel safer knowing you were protected by my security team, and I would be happier if you were here all the time.” He pushed the key back towards me, smiling at the look of shock on my face.
The enormity of what he was suggesting hit me. I knew we would probably move in together once we were married, and we had practically lived together on tour, and especially since we had become engaged. But now, he wanted me to live with him. My heart leapt in my chest and for the first time in 48 hours I felt genuinely happy.
“Of course I will!” I sprung forward on the couch and wrapped my arms around his startled frame. He barely had time to set his coffee down, sploshing a bit on the table. He started laughing at my enthusiasm and returned my infectious embrace.
“I see you finally told her.” Tom’s groggy voice came from the stairwell.
I turned around to see him in his pajamas, walking into the kitchen for coffee as well. His sweatpants were substantially baggier than Bills, and he was constantly pulling them up. I was so accustomed to seeing his underwear by now that it didn’t phase me anymore.
“Hey roomie!” I winked at Tom as he strode into the dining room to sit with us.
“Living with a morning person is going to take some getting used to. By the way, who did I hear throwing up this morning?” He furrowed his eyebrows in concern at me.
“I heard that too, is Jackie sick?” Bill turned to me with the same expression.
I felt the blush creeping up my neck.
“Um, that was me. Just a case of nerves I think. I am not sick, I guess I just didn’t eat much dinner last night and the stress of everything got the best of my breakfast...” I trailed off at the end and looked down at my empty cup hoping it had a better excuse.
“I’m sorry, you feel better now though?” Bill fixed me with a look of concern as he sat forward at my news.
“Yeah, I feel much better. I think it’s just because I didn’t really eat dinner last night.” I stood up and walked back to the kitchen to refill my cup, anything to change the subject from vomit or the current situation with Josh.
“I should check to see if we got the faxes from California yet.” I could hear Tom discussing the legal documents we were waiting on with Bill as I filled my cup with warm water and steeped a fresh cup of tea. I sighed to myself as I stirred in the honey.
When I walked back into the dining room both boys were hovering over fax pages.
“She was in Germany on tour with us during the time this was signed in Santa Barbara, California.” Tom was pointing to the bottom of the page.
Bill nodded in agreement.
“So we can just provide them with proof of that and this will all go away?” I said hopefully.
They exchanged glances.
“I will call the attorney and see what we can do. I don’t think this will stand in court. It’s pretty obvious that you can’t be in two places at once.” Bill smirked as he finished his statement.
I felt a sense of relief settle into my shoulders. Hopefully Bill was right and this would be the end of this silly parade for attention on Josh’s part.
I sat down in front of the TV and picked up the remote. I hadn’t turned on the TV in two days afraid that it would be full of negative media about Bill and I. I was surprised at what I saw when the image came into view.
Josh was standing at a podium having a press conference. My mouth dropped open, and I felt my stomach gurgle again. Right as I stood up to run to the bathroom I heard him say, “I can’t believe she left me when she was pregnant with our baby.”
Bill was rubbing my shoulders as I emptied my stomach contents into the toilet. I felt disgusting. Josh was saying I was pregnant with his child now? This was getting insane. When I felt like I wasn’t going to throw up anymore, I stood up and washed my face and mouth. My lower back was throbbing, so I stretched at the sink before turning around.
Bill was standing in the doorway watching me with weary eyes.
“I think I should make a statement.” I tried to sound as strong as I could.
“We should discuss our options…can I ask you a question?” He looked embarrassed.
“You can ask me anything.”
“Were you ever pregnant with his child?” He grimaced when he said it, so did I.
“No. Josh and I were together for three years and we lived together briefly, but I was definitely never pregnant. When I found out about his affair I left and never looked back. I cannot believe I ever dated him or that he is doing all of this right now.” I shook my head in disgust as the tears welled in my eyes again.
“I’m sorry, we will find a way to make it stop.” Bill urged as he wrapped his arms around me. I could tell he was relieved at my answer.
“What’s going on now?” I could hear Jackie asking Tom in the living room.
“This jackass is saying she left him when she was pregnant with his child.” Tom was explaining as I walked in. Jackie's brown eyes widened as she took in my puffy face.
“Want me to kill him?” She whispered as she wrapped me in a sisterly hug.
I laughed against her soft curly hair, “No, but I am hoping my parents are haunting him right now.”
When she let go of me I felt a bit dizzy. The cramp that hit my mid-section almost doubled me over.
“I feel kind of dizzy. I think I should sit-
I didn’t finish my sentence because everything went black.
“Jessi! Jessi!” I could see the faint outline of three people around me. I felt urgent hands on my shoulders shaking me.
“Call an ambulance!”
“Where is the blood coming from?”
“Her stomach? It's on her pants.”
“Oh my god…”
I rolled on my side as a wrenching cramp ripped through my lower abdomen. I tried to cry out but everything went black again.
I woke up to the gentle sound of monitors around me. Bill was sitting by my bedside with his head in his hands. I tried to reach for him, but my I.V. stopped me. His head shot up when he heard me stirring on the bed.
His eyes were bloodshot and weary.
“Hey.” He reached for my hand and squeezed gently.
“What happened?” I searched his face as I watched a thousand emotions cross his features.
“Jess, I don’t know how to say this.” He ran his hands through his hair as his eyes welled with tears. “You’re two months pregnant, and you might be having a miscarriage. The doctors are doing everything they can to save the baby.” His lip was quivering as he tried not to cry.
I felt a twang in my stomach as the reality of what he was saying hit me. I was pregnant with Bill’s baby? I was pregnant…I started crying with him. I curled myself into a tiny ball and cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. When I couldn’t cry anymore I stared stoically at the machinery whirring around me. If I lost this baby, I would kill Josh. I would kill him if it was the last thing I did. I wrapped my arms protectively around my belly and prayed.
I must have fallen asleep again because when I woke up it was dinner time. A jolly nurse was setting a tray up in front of me.
“Hi sweetie, you are already getting your color back.”
“Thank you.” I mumbled as I adjusted my bed upright. I kept one hand on my lower belly instinctively.
“The good news is that the bleeding has stopped and your cervix isn’t dialated. It appears that you have been a bit stressed out lately? You need to just take it easy honey or you will lose that little munchkin of yours.” She smiled back at me as she opened up my tray to reveal mashed potatoes, roast beef and green beans. There was also a side of Jello.
“Thank you.” I smiled back at her as I hungrily scooped up a heaping spoonful of mashed potatoes. I suddenly felt ravenously hungry. I inhaled everything on my plate, including the Jello before Bill, Tom and Jackie came striding into the room.
“Look who is finally awake.” Tom smiled wearily at me.
“Hey sweetie.” Jackie smiled.
“I’m glad your appetite is back.” Bill winked at me.
I just blushed in return a I dabbed at my mouth with a napkin.
“So what is this business I hear about me being an uncle?” Tom quipped in an effort to bring a laugh.
“Yeah, I guess I am going to have to find a wedding dress with an expandible waist.” I rolled my eyes at Jackie who smiled back at me.
“Good news love.” Bill squeezed my hand.
“What is that?” I sighed back at him, I was ready for some good news.
“First of all, the baby is safe. Second of all, we are having a baby!” He grinned ear to ear before leaning forward and kissing my cheek. I grinned back at him.
“You’re not upset? This couldn’t have happened at a worse time.” I let my smile falter as I recalled the past few days events.
“Well, actually there has been a bit of excitement about our friend Josh.” Tom rolled his eyes and smiled as he stepped toward my bedside.
“I might not have to kill him after all.” Jackie laughed.
I felt a smile spread across my face. This had to be good news.
“Holly apparently got jealous over the false announcement about the pregnancy and stepped forward. She gave a press conference an hour ago stating that she forged the documents and that you were never actually married.” Jackie was rushing through the news in excitement.
“That paired with our reps statement that you were on tour with us during the time you were supposedly getting married to Josh, pretty much squashed all of his credibility.” Tom finished.
Bill squeezed my hand as I smiled in relief at the news.
“So it’s over?” I smiled up at Bill and squeezed his hand back.
“Kind of.” Bill shifted his glance back at Tom who looked at Jackie who was the only one with guts enough to look back at me.
“Well, someone from the hospital laboratory kind of leaked the news about you almost miscarrying, and since Josh made the announcement this morning about the pregnancy now the media is suggesting that you tried aborting his baby.”
“Oh this is ridiculous.” I sighed and leaned back against my pillow.
“You know what? I think I need to make a statement. Give me Bilde’s number.” I turned to Bill and held out my hand for his phone.
“Honey, I think you need to take it easy and let us handle this for the next couple of days. You are on strict bed rest for the sake of our baby.” Bill affectionately patted my tummy.
“Also, I upped security now that we have a baby on board. I can’t be taking chances with my future niece or nephew. Babies are a great way to pick up chicks.” Tom smiled and winked at me.
“Wow.” I rolled my eyes at Tom and shook my head. Something’s would never change.
“You are not using my child to pick up women.” Bill sternly scolded Tom.
“Whatever, that sh*t works.” Tom laughed and ducked as Bill tried to shove him.
“I could always make a statement.” Jackie’s statement silenced the twin’s rough housing.
“I am her best friend. If anyone knows what’s going on in her life, it’s me.” She shrugged non-chalantly and looked up at the twins.
“That’s actually a really good idea.” I nudged Bill’s hand. “Have Jackie make a statement about what a low-life lying pig Josh is, and that he almost caused me to lose your child. She could say that we were waiting another month before announcing our pregnancy…even though technically we didn’t know…” I finished my sentence laughing to myself.
“Jackie, would you mind doing this?” Bill turned to her. “I understand if you don’t want to step into the spotlight.”
“If it helps you two lovebirds, I would be happy to do it.” Jackie looked from Bill to me.
“Well then, now that this is all settled…you are going to name the baby after me right?” Tom smirked at me before I threw my pillow at him.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
“I look like a snow monster.” My best friend was shaking her head at my analysis.
“Maybe we should lose the puffy sleeves?” She suggested.
“Why do I have to wear a white dress again? It seems so traditional; it seems so boring. I want to do something completely different, something original. I am marrying a rock star, maybe I should wear black and come in on a black horse!” We erupted in a fit of giggles.
It was hour three of wedding dress shopping and I was not amused. I looked down at my purse when I heard Bill’s ringtone playing.
“Hi…I need you.” I giggled into the phone. It had been three months since he had proposed and it had been pure insanity. The paparazzi had descended upon us like a swarm of bee’s since the news got out, the fandom had erupted in happiness and well wishes, and I was madly in love with Bill.
“Hi, where are you?” I loved his sweet voice.
“I am surrounded by a white blizzard of fabric. Ugh.” I rolled my eyes at the phone as the dressing assistant started to unlace the back of the frilly dress.
“Hm. What cuts have you tried?” This is one of the many reasons why I love him. He can talk fashion, and frankly I wasn’t sure why I wasn’t dress shopping with him, he could probably pick a dress out better than I could. I gave him the run down on the eighteen dresses I had tried on.
“Bill? Can you just come shopping with me? It would be so fun. Please?”
I could hear his soft laugh through the phone.
“You know it’s bad luck to see the bride in her dress before the wedding. I have faith in you.” I heard him mumble something to Tom, who laughed in reply.
“Hey, no making fun! You tell Tom I’m ordering him a pink tux.” I laughed back.
“Tom, be nice to my fiancé or she’s ordering you a pink tux.” I heard him chiding Tom, then I heard him laughing in return. My heart always skipped a beat when he referred to me as his fiancé, the sound of his laugh just topped off the giddiness.
“Ok my love, I am being rude talking to you while they unbutton me. I will be over in an hour or so.” I smiled into the receiver, imagining him pacing around the living room on the phone.
“Ok, hurry, I have a surprise for you. Love you, bye.” He rushed through the last part and hung up before I could harass him about the surprise.
“He is so evil!” I laughed as I closed my phone.
“What?” My best friend was smiling at me, I could tell she thought we were nerds.
“He has a surprise for me when I get home. He knows I am going to rush right there because I can’t handle not knowing. The brat.” I was practically dancing out of my dress with excitement.
“You have never been very patient.” She laughed.
The wedding was in six months, and my best friend had been amazing about helping me plan all the details. Bill had hired a coordinator, but we still had a lot of work to do.
We crammed into my car and drove towards the hills where the Twin’s house was hidden. I punched in the security code and pulled down the driveway, as I had been doing for months. When I pulled into the circular drive and parked, Bill walked out of the house to greet us.
I ran up and threw my arms around him, smothering his cheek with kisses.
“I missed you all day!” I mumbled as I nuzzled his neck. He wrapped his hands around me, kissing my cheek.
“Missed you too. How was dress shopping, did you find the one yet?”
“Eh. I don’t like it, it’s so boring and traditional. I want something different. I’m not sure where to go now.” I looked up into his eyes, making my breath catch when I felt the intensity of his gaze.
“She made me watch her try on like a gazillion dresses Bill. I think it’s your turn to take over dress duties.” My best friend trudged past us. She was used to our excessive displays of happiness. It didn’t faze her anymore, she just opened the front door and marched inside to find Tom.
“So what is this I hear about you surprising me?” I looked up at Bill through my lashes. I didn’t like the idea of him spending money on me, but I did love surprises.
“Mmmm, I haven’t decided when to show you.” Bill replied with a teasing smile.
“Oh that’s just mean!” I grinned up at him and stomped my foot.
“Did you just stamp your foot?” Bill was laughing now.
“No. Yes. Maybe.” I was laughing too.
He stopped my laughter with a gentle kiss and tugged at my hands as he led me around the side yard.
“So you want to see your surprise then?” Bill was smiling over his shoulder at me as he pulled me along the path through the garden.
“Not if it cost money, was it free?” I smiled hopefully at him.
“Sure. It was free. For you.” Bill laughed to himself.
My heart sunk as he led me towards the courtyard where they had Tom’s cars.
“Please tell me you are giving me Tom’s R8.”
“Sorry dear, our future children wouldn’t fit in Tom’s R8.” My stomach did a flip flop at his mention of future children. Babies. Bill’s babies. Bill wanted to make babies with me. My breath started coming in short little hiccups when Bill stopped walking and smiled back at me.
“Are you ready?”
“No.” I nervously laughed. I was excited about the surprise but still mentally shocked over the idea of having children with Bill.
Bill took out a small device that opened the garage doors in front of us. Before he pressed the button his phone started going off. He frowned as when he looked at the number.
“Sorry sweetie, I need to take this.” He kissed my forehead as he accepted the call.
“Hello.” I could hear the distant sound of another voice on the line. Bill’s eyebrows furrowed as an expression of anger took over his face.
“What do you mean, married.” My stomach did another flip flop. Bill shifted the phone to his other ear as he gave an exasperated sigh. He switched into fluent German and started bantering angrily on the phone. He was pacing in front of the garage, growing more and more agitated as the conversation progressed. He gave a curt reply and hung up the phone call. I shrunk away from the expression he fixated on me.
He stalked up to me, rage all over his features. With his hands clenched and his eyes boring into mine, he asked,
“Is there anything you think you ought to tell me? Cause now would be a good time to get it in the clear.”
My heart was hammering in my chest. I had no idea what was going on, but I had never seen Bill like this and I was terrified. I slunk back and wrapped my arms around myself defensively.
“I don’t know-
He cut me off by turning around and walking away. He wrenched open the door to the house and turned around to address my still frozen self in the driveway.
“You might have mentioned that you are married, Jessi.” Then he slammed the door.
on the water in Italy
You were the silent type
I always thought it was good for me.
I’m on a journey
to find out who I am
I spent five years with you
an experience for which I’m glad
Don’t I wish it had worked out better
and that we had stayed together
I stripped myself of everything
and left it all behind
and now I’m walking an emotional desert
because you left me feeling blind
So I search myself
and I try to sit up tall
because when you lose yourself
it’s a long way to fall
So the leaves are turning with the fall
seems like the Earth is mourning
the loss of it all, and I welcome the rain
because it washes away my pain
when I run as fast as I can
I can see your face taunting who I am
and I know in time, I will find
that I won’t see you at all.
I had such an amazing time last night! I went out and sang karaoke again last night (I have an addiction, I'm told the first step is admitting you have a problem) at a country bar. I sang Lady GaGa at a country bar...yeah. I thought for sure I would get shanked, shot or lynched, but I love her music so much that I just didn't care. I was so genuinely happy and enthusiastic that they just went along with it and danced anyways. I love these people. It's so nice to be accepted for who you are, thus the En Vogue song. :D
Also, I somehow came home with a pumpkin. Don't ask questions.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
And then again at 25
Yeah, so I know what
it feels like to die.
I remember the tingle
Of life in my limbs
And the fear on the faces
Of my family and friends
Nights like this I lie awake
having flashbacks in the rain
people try to sympathize
but they didn’t feel my pain.
Until you hear a doctor tell
Your parents you are dying
Or hear the pain in your father’s voice
When he and my mother are crying
I live for carpe diem
Because I was given a chance
And I relish every second
Because life is like a dance.
UM DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM??
So five minutes later I am in her car in full make up and a dress (I get ready really fast) and we are on our way to a gay bar for karaoke. I have never done karaoke at a gay bar, but it was AWESOME. Someone gave me red star shaped blinky glasses, which I wore all night. Then I drank about 700 too many beers and couldn't read the lyrics by the end of the night, made up my own songs and got hit on by a transvestite.
This means one of two things:
1) I look like a transvestite,
2) My dress was tucked into my underwear.
I'm not sure why number two applies. Anyways, the moral of this story is I'm awesome and you sooooo want to have a karaoke duet with me.
on this day of all days
I find myself missing you
in the worst of ways
And as you blow out
the candle light glow
do you think of me
and does it make you low?
Cause I remember
our first Halloween night
how you left me in the bar
and we had that huge fight
Was the worst birthday
you could have ever had
I hope this one’s better
and she doesn’t get mad
I don’t know if I should call
I shouldn’t miss you at all
After all the sleepless nights
After all the pointless fights
So Happy Birthday
I hope you get all you desire
even if sometimes
I wish you’d die in a fire
I may be hurting in the worst way
But I still want to wish you a Happy Birthday.
Monday, October 25, 2010
because it felt so right
when you told me your secrets
and your feelings that night
Opened your heart
opened your mind
and let our souls
I remember the rush
I remember the pain
the look in your eyes
when I turned away
it’s for the best
even though I know
you’re my soulmate
and I didn’t want to go
sometimes people have to spread their wings
and grow apart before things can change
and if this is really meant to be
then I know you will come back to me
But until then I will open my mind
Search my heart and seek to find
a fit, a match, a pair
someone with which to share
myself and all that I am
but who will be that man?
Time will be the determining factor
I dream of a happily ever after
when all the pain will melt away
and I will make a positive change
leave this caterpillar behind
to become a beautiful butterfly.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Is the yearning
I’m used to getting what I want
So I guess I’m still learning
How about I never tell you
I prefer your silly side
Or that I check you out
When you walk by
You want to point
something out to me
But your arm is flexing
And I can’t breathe.
And no I never listen
To a damn thing you say
I’m too focused on the
rhythm of my heart racing away.
And these are my secrets
I will never tell or show
Because I’m enjoying my freedom
So I don’t want you to know
I prefer friends to lovers
Though I’m sure you see
Because you’re the kinda guy
Who has women falling at your feet
I’m just crushin’ on a boy
With muscles, charm and wit
And all the girls are fawning
On him and he’s loving it.
I watch him drink it up
I watch him play the game
I’ve already been down this road
So I choose not to play.
So live it up charmer
You’ve got the time
Because you’re divine
I'm enjoying my seat
while I play as a friend
Remember, she who knows her cards
Always wins in the end.
Wait. Did your status say you put chaps on BACKWARDS?? BAHAHAHA.
Haley: Haha well we already assessed this situation when u texted me at 5 AM U LITTLE SKANK haha(:
Me: Haha weeeeellllllll I decided it was time for you to wake up :)
Haley: UGH i wanted to shank u padowan ahha(:
Me: OMG I love getting shanked! :D
Haley: ha chopsticks against my numchucks. bring it hoy-yo-to. (: haha
Cause I’m starving,
I’m looking for something
Beautiful and wild
I’ve spent too many nights
Counting stars alone
And now I’m looking
To take you home.
You seem like a good time
Not too serious, just right
You’ve got goals…and those eyes
So common, take me for a ride.
I wanna explore
I wanna know more about you
I’ve got a crush baby
Ain’t much but it’s a maybe
So what do you say honey
Are you feelin’ hungry?
And do you wanna be
Up all night countin’ stars with me?
Friday, October 22, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
“You’re kidding right?” Tom raised his eyebrows at my selection.
“What is wrong with the Princess Bride?”
“You and Bill are perfect for each other.” He resigned from any further commentary and looked past me to Bill who was leaning against a pile of pillows against the window and sleeping.
“Fine, no sappy romantic movies, what are we going to watch then?” I was searching through the movies on my laptop for another selection.
“Fast and Furious?” Tom looked up hopefully from my screen.
“I actually have that movie. I suppose we could watch it.” I sniffed.
Tom rubbed his hands together and wagged his eyebrows as he reclined his seat and prepared to watch the movie on my laptop.
“Can I get you anything to drink?” The stewardess was asking.
I turned to Tom as the movie started, “I am surprised you aren’t sleeping.”
I focused my attention back to the movie. We still had fourteen hours left before we landed in San Luis Obispo, California.
I woke up with my feet across Tom and my head in Bills lap.
“Good morning beautiful.” Bill was smiling down at me.
“Bill, your girlfriend’s feet smell.”
I smiled up at Bill before turning to stick my tongue out at Tom’s comment. I sat up in my seat, reluctant to leave Bill’s embrace.
“Are we there yet?” I grumbled as I stretched my arms and legs.
“Almost. We are landing soon.” Bill squeezed my hand and we shared a smile. He looked exhausted. His hair was tucked in a hat, but his eyes were a bit weary and he was without makeup again. He still looked amazing.
I reached up to assess my hair situation. I was going to need a hat.
“Tom, can you hand me my carry on please?”
“Yep.” Tom stood up and opened the overhead bins, pulled down my bag and handed it to me.
I dug through, found my slouched beanie and threw my hair up. Pulling out my compact mirror, I applied a few swipes of mascara and lip gloss. I closed everything up and shoved my bag under the seat in front of me.
“You look beautiful.” Bill whispered in my ear as he nuzzled my neck.
I just giggled in return, this was still completely surreal to me. I squeezed his hand as the captain announced our landing and taxied to our terminal.
We piled into a private car and drove to a quiet beach side inn. We had three adjoining rooms, with Bill’s being in the middle. After such a long flight the first thing I did was jump in the shower. It felt MARVELOUS. I sat under the scalding hot water until my skin started to wrinkle, then I scrubbed my hair and body until I felt clean. I wrapped myself in a towel and combed through my hair. I decided to just let it air dry. I knew it would get wavy, but I didn’t really care to dry it. I put a little mascara and eyeliner on, some lipstain and cheek color, then stepped into the outfit I had chosen for wine tasting. When I walked out of the bathroom Bill was sitting on my bed.
I felt the familiar stir of butterflies in my stomach when he looked at me. His hair was down, but styled back. He was wearing black jeans with a silver cotton shirt and a long gray jacket that tied around his waist. He had a plethora of chains on, and his eyes were made up. He looked amazing.
He stood up as I walked out of the bathroom.
“Are you ready for breakfast and wine tasting?” I was suddenly feeling shy, like I didn’t deserve to touch such a beautiful creature. I found it hard to even look at him.
“Mmhmm.” He said and wrapped me in a hug. I loved his hugs. I inhaled the mix of cologne and menthol cigarettes that enveloped me. Nothing felt better than being wrapped in his arms. He kissed my forehead then we walked out to meet Tom.
We had breakfast at a cute beachside café before meeting our wine tasting limousine service and heading inland.
“So where are we going first?” I asked the driver.
We were told that we were being taken to four wineries on our first day. We had a picnic lunch at one of our stops and that night we were going to see the elephant seals at the beach and taking a night tour of Hearst castle. It was a pretty epic holiday.
The crunch of gravel had me looking out the window as we pulled through an arch driveway, then past rows of grapes. We parked and were escorted inside.
I giggled as I watched Tom swirl his wine in his glass before tasting.
“What’s so funny?” He mused.
“I have never seen you so refined.”
“What’s that supposed to mean? I always present myself with the utmost class!” He scoffed back at me with a childish grin.
“It’s not every day you see a German rockstar in cornrows aerating his wine!” I giggled back.
Tom just shook his head and prepared for his next tasting.
“What’s your favorite so far?” Bill leaned down with his hand around me as he asked.
“I really like the dessert wines the best here.”
“A woman after my own heart.”
“Always.” I smiled back at him. I was a bit of a light weight and after the six tastings we had already had there, was already starting to feel a bit buzzed. I was hoping lunch was going to be soon.
“Are you ready for the next winery?” Our driver was asking Bill.
“Yes, thank you.” He replied as he walked with me, hand in hand back to the limo. I was hoping he didn’t notice how much I was focusing on my steps.
“Our next stop is a bit of a fun one, I dare say.” Announced the driver.
“Oh?” I asked.
He just wagged his eyebrows at me and opened the door.
When we entered the winery it had an almost Alice and Wonderland theme, which delighted both Bill and I. The ceiling was painted with black and white circles and the floor was covered with black and white tiles. The walls had funhouse mirrors on them and as we entered the building the staff welcomed us to a side table and instructed us to pick out fun wigs to wear while we tasted the wine. I chose a pink bob, Bill chose a green afro and Tom grudgingly wore a red pigtail wig.
“If you take one picture, I swear I will break your camera.” He whispered to Bill.
I just giggled in the background as we were ushered past fun house mirrors to the tasting room.
After the first four tastings I was really starting to get drunk and giggly.
“Have I ever told you how incredibly handsome you look in that green afro?”
He laughed in reply and asked for his next tasting before looking back to me.
“Jessi, darling, you look beautiful in your pink hair as well.” Then he leaned down and kissed me softly on the mouth.
“Well, no one is telling me how amazing I look in my red braids.” Tom quipped as he set his empty glass on the counter and rolled his eyes.
“Sorry Tom, but you just look ridiculous.” I laughed. Bill started laughing too, then saw the look on Tom’s face and wrapped an arm around him too.
“Aw, it’s ok brother, you look stunning in that wig if it makes you feel better.”
“Yeah, sure.” Tom rolled his eyes then looked at Bill with an impish grin. I could see they were sharing an inner dialogue and entertained myself by browsing the wine list. Except I was a bit too drunk to read it.
“Jessi?” Bill was reaching for my hand again.
“Yes?” I wasn’t sure what I had missed, but Tom and Bill had come to some kind of decision.
“Why don’t we check out the gardens real quick while Tom has some boxes of wine sent home?”
“Ok.” I clasped his hand and let him lead me outside. I was still a bit fuzzy from the wine, but as long as I had Bill’s hand I was fine. The sun felt amazing on my skin. I tilted my head back and smiled at the sky as he led me like a small child through the courtyard. I wasn’t really paying attention to where we were going until he stopped at a clearing and wrapped me in his arms.
“Hi.” His luminous eyes were mere centimeters from mine, and when he talked his lips brushed against mine. Every slight brush sent my heart into palpations. I felt dizzy.
“Hello lover.” I whispered against his lips. I felt really drunk now. I didn’t really care about calling him love. I loved him. I wanted him to know that.
He was running his hand across my jawline and into my hair, I sighed against his hand and closed my eyes. He pressed a soft kiss against my lips.
“You’re so beautiful. I always say that, but you are more than just beautiful. You’ve been a best friend to me and everything I’ve wanted for so long. Jessi, there’s something I have been wanting to ask you.” I opened my eyes as Bill dropped his hands from my face. He started to pull something out of his pocket.
“Jessi, I love you. I’ve been in love with you since I saw you in Maggies office seven months ago.” Bill cleared his throat. My heart started racing. He just said he loved me. Bill loved me.
“I love you too!” I threw my arms around him and pressed a kiss against his lips. He started laughing against my hair as he pushed me back, I looked up at him startled that he was pushing me out of his embrace.
“Hold on, there is more.” He cleared his throat again and started blushing. He looked at his feet. He still had his hand in his pocket. He stopped my heart with the look in his eyes when he looked up from his feet.
“Jessi, I was wondering if you would-
“Who is ready for lunch?” The driver cheerfully called out as he strolled around the corner.
“I am starving!” I breathed a sigh of relief at the thought of food. Maybe some carbs would help me sober up. This was pathetic - the twins were completely sober. We had only tasted at two wineries. The day was only half over and I was already drunk.
I merrily grabbed Bill’s hand and drunkedly skipped after the driver.
Tom was grinning from ear to ear when he saw me come up skipping with Bill in tow.
“There is the happy couple!” He started to say something else but caught himself when Bill cleared his throat.
Bill dropped my hand and walked off to the side with Tom while I eagerly watched the driver set up our picnic. I felt like a puppy sitting next to a birthday party.
“Lunch is served.”
I didn’t notice how quiet everyone was until after I was finished eating. By now I had started to sober up a bit and wondered if I had frightened Bill with my drunken behavior. Maybe I needed to slow down on the wine.
Tom cleared his throat.
“Jessi, I think we should skip the rest of the wine tasting and go to Hearst Castle.”
“Sure, yeah I think I might be a bit too drunk to taste any more wine anyways.” I blushed at my confession and smiled before taking another bite of the cheese and cracker assemble.
When lunch was over we crawled back into the limousine for our trip back to the coast. It was a 45 minute drive back to San Simeon, so I curled up in Bill’s arms and succumbed to a wine nap.
I woke up to Bill kissing my forehead and nudging me awake.
“We are here.”
“Mmm.” I lifted my head as the car door opened and a sea breeze came through the door. We stepped out and stood at the curb. I looked around and noticed that Tom was missing.
“Where is Tom?”
“He went to purchase our tour tickets.”
“Oh.” I shivered as the breeze picked up. Bill noticed and walked up behind me and wrapped me in his arms. He rested his cheek against mine.
“Are you cold love?” He whispered against my face.
“Not now that you are here.” I turned my head and kissed his cheek.
“I have the tickets.” Tom interrupted and handed us each our stubs. We loaded onto the tour buses and headed towards the castle.
“This man was crazy.” Tom breathed against the window as the castle came in view.
“Wow.” Bill breathed.
I just squeezed Bill’s hand. This was one of my favorite places in the world. It was exactly like a castle from a fairy tale, with a gold lined pool, naked statues, excessive tapestries and intense décor. The twins moved from room to room of the tour in aw.
We finally came to the end of the tour where we watched a short film documentary telling us about George Randolph Hearst’s life and how he came into his fortunes. Bill reached over during the film and squeezed my hand. I tried hard to keep from hyperventilating.
We were all exhausted on the ride back to the hotel. Just before we got to our hotel we passed a familiar exit and I shot forward in my seat.
“Driver! Driver, pull off here!” I tapped eagerly on the window. I felt the car veer right as the driver followed my directions. We pulled into a small cliff turnout overlooking the ocean.
“Do you wish to stop here first?” The driver looked into the backseat.
“Yes, just for a few minutes.” I looked back at the twins. “Do you mind? This place has a lot of sentimental value to me. It won’t take me long.”
“Of course not.” Bill smiled and opened the door and stepped out with me. Tom opted to stay out of the cold sea air.
“Do you mind if I join you?” Bill asked.
“I would love to share this with you.” I locked a finger with his and led him to the shoreline cliff where I had stood and watched my parent’s ashes be spread the previous year.
“Bill, this is the closest I will ever get to introducing you to my parents. This is where I had their ashes spread.” I smiled out across the ocean imagining my parent’s warm smiles.
“Thank you for bringing me here.” Bill was standing behind me with his arms wrapped around me.
“When I was a little girl, we used to come stay in a house a block from here and I would come sit right here and watch the water. When I was in college I would come here to clear my head. To this day it’s always been my favorite place in the world. I knew it was the perfect place for their ashes.” I turned around then, and looked up at him as I finished my sentence. His eyes were soft and earnest as he looked down at me.
“I love you, Jessi.” He planted one soft kiss on my forehead and stepped back with an exhale.
“There’s something very important I need to ask you.” He took my hand in his, putting his other hand in his pocket. My heart started beating faster as he got down on one knee. The breeze made goosebumps across my bare arms as he pulled a tiny diamond ring out of his pocket.
“Jessi, I love you. I knew from the minute I saw you that I loved you. Will you be my wife?”
“I love you! Yes! Yes!” Tears streamed down my face as he laughingly placed the ring on my finger. He stood up and took my face gingerly in his hands, looked deep in my eyes and kissed me, slowly and deeply. When we came up for air, we shared a few more soft kisses. I was absolutely giddy.
“Bill, we’re engaged!” I wrapped my arms around him again as we walked back to the car laughing.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
I tried to blend into the leather seats. If I made myself as small as possible maybe he wouldn’t see me. I hadn’t seen or talked to him since the night he told me of his affair. I was perfectly happy to never see him again and instead chose to think of a thousand ways he could have died in a fire. Instead I was watching his bulging shirtless tan muscles tie our boats together. I preferred brunettes to blondes now anyways. I kept my head down and my hair in front of my face in an attempt to stay hidden. Bill was digging through his bag and hadn’t noticed my sudden change in behavior and Tom was still open-mouth sleeping in the sun.
Josh had the boats tied together and was conversing with our captain. Hopefully he would just tow us to shore, we would unload and sneak past him unnoticed.
“Hang on let me ask.” I heard our captain say.
Then he turned around and looked directly at me. Crap. I dropped my eyes and let my hair fall completely in my face. I stared intently at the intricate leather detail work on the seat between my legs. I twiddled my thumbs and picked at a hang-nail.
“Mm hm?” I didn’t look up.
“If you need to use the restroom, now would be the time. The tow in is going to take an hour and we won’t be able to turn on the generator for the on board restroom once we get going.”
“Oh, no I am good, but thanks,” was my muffled reply.
“Alrighty then,” he said turning back to the other boat and motioning that we were ready. I felt the tug of the boat as we moved forward. I breathed a sigh of relief that maybe I was going to get back without having to face my ex.
“You ok?” I felt Bill’s hand on my shoulder.
“Yeah, I think I am just really tired, do you mind if I lay down here?”
“Not at all, here lay down in my lap, I will cover you in this towel.” He motioned for me to lay down and put his hands across my shoulders. I made sure my hair covered my face and that the towel was covering my upper torso. If Josh were to look over he wouldn’t recognize me, I hoped. My heart was thundering in my chest and my breath was racing. I was struggling to keep from panting from the stress. I didn’t want Bill to notice so I focused on the feeling of his soft warm hands on my shoulders. I loved the way his fingers felt against my skin.
I focused on the sound of his breathing. I was practically curled up in his lap, with his arms resting on my shoulders. The warm sun was beating down on me and nothing else mattered because even though Josh was here, I needed to just enjoy this precious time I had left with Bill. I wasn’t going to let Josh ruin this moment.
I must have fallen asleep because Bill was shaking my shoulder and telling me to wake up.
“Jessi? Jessi? We are back at the dock.”
I snapped to attention and threw a towel over my face. I looked out to see if Josh was looking. I didn’t see him anywhere.
“Bill, I think your assistant has lost her mind.” I could hear Tom snickering in the background.
“Shut it Tom, skin cancer is still a leading cause of death and I am not taking any chances!” Still holding the towel over my face I stalked off the boat and onto the dock. I was almost home free. I was in the parking lot waiting for the car when the boys caught up to me.
“For being on a vacation, you sure are in a rush!” Tom was chiding me.
“I am hungry!” I was testily hopping from one foot to the other. I wanted to get the heck out of there, and fast.
“Lets get her some dinner, maybe she is just sea sick.” Bill glanced at me and then exchanged a look with Tom.
Great they think I am an insane person.
It felt like an eon passed before the car finally came and we were on our way to the cabana. I was almost dancing in the car I was so relieved to be out of the docking area.
We showered and changed and headed to the restaurant.
“Well aren’t your spirits renewed now that we are getting food.” Bill smiled at me.
“Yeah, she is practically bouncing in her seat.” Tom quipped.
“Tom, I will eat your arm, I am that hungry!” I actually didn’t care if I never ate again, I was just so happy that I somehow escaped Josh. I couldn’t believe my luck.
I was on the other side of the world, stranded in the middle of the ocean and he comes to save us? What are the chances?
The outdoor restaurant the boys chose was beautiful. We had a candlelit dinner overlooking the waves. We ordered a bottle of champagne and toasted to a failed attempt at being sailors. As I sipped from my glass I surveyed the happy couples surrounding us. There was a cute Indian couple talking intimately. I guessed they were on their honeymoon. An elderly couple was quietly eating to my right. I went to take another sip before I looked at the table behind me and almost spit my champagne all over Bill. Josh and Holly were having a heated conversation at a table two feet away from me. Right as I started to choke on my champagne, Josh’s eyes locked with mine.
This was NOT happening.
“Jessi?” Josh recognized me right away. He stood up and walked over to our table, dropping his napkin and hushing his heated conversation with Holly.
I felt two pairs of questioning hazel eyes burning into me as my cheeks turned flaming red. I didn’t know whether to run or throw my champagne in his face.
“Jessi, do you know this person?” Bill’s voice took on a protective edge when he saw the fear on my face.
“Um, yeah. Um.” I froze. Josh stood awkwardly above me almost possessively frozen between hugging me, and pushing Bill.
I slowly stood up and pushed my seat back.
“Bill, this is Josh. Josh this is Bill and Tom.” The twins stood up and exchanged curt nods with Josh. I shot a quick glance over at Holly who was shooting daggers at me with her eyes. This was fun.
“Wow. You look amazing. I haven’t seen you in what, eight or nine months?” Josh was raking his eyes up and down my body as I tried not to break my wine glass with my grip.
“It’s been over a year.” I said it as unemotionally as I could and purposefully looked at Holly and then back at him. Please take your troll and crawl back into your hole.
Bill and Tom both cleared their throats at the same time.
“Ok, well, I will let you get back to dinner, I just can’t believe how great you look!” Josh said to my cleavage.
“Yeah, you have a nice dinner.” I was shaking with anger as he walked back to his table. I could see out of the corner of my eye that he was having a heated debate with his date. Good. I hope they were miserable together. Holly was yelling at him and pointing at our table as they left the restaurant.
“Excuse me while I use the ladies room.” I didn’t even meet the twin’s eyes as I got up from the table. I shakily made my way to the restaurant bathroom and locked myself in a stall. I leaned up against a wall and let my head fall back. I let one long breath out and then filled my lungs with as much air as I could handle. Then I let it out in an angry growl. I pulled myself together and walked back to the table. I could see the twins were huddled together talking intensely. As I got closer they straightened up, exchanged glances and stopped talking. Way to be inconspicuous boys.
Bill turned to me as I sat down.
“Would you like to get dinner to go?”
“That would be fantastic.”
I couldn’t sleep. At first I thought I was too hot so I opened the window and let the ocean breeze blow through the curtains. Then I was too cold, so I shut the window. I tried sleeping on my side but my pillow didn’t feel right. So, I turned over onto my back and bunched my pillow up under my head. I turned and looked at the clock again; it was 5:44 A.M.
Why was Josh in the Maldives? Of all the islands in the world, my ex-boyfriend decides to come to the one tiny island that I am vacationing on. I had been agonizing over this all night. Finally, throwing my blankets aside I gave up on sleep and decided to take a walk on the beach.
I threw a light sweater over my pajamas and slipped out the cabana door.
The wet crunchy sand felt good between my toes as I walked along the beach. I wasn’t paying attention to how far I was walking, I was too busy watching the sand squish between my toes and tracing patterns in the sea foam.
“Couldn’t sleep?” Bill’s voice startled me from behind.
“Not really. Sorry, did I wake you when I left?” I turned around to see him walking behind me. I began to wonder how long he had been there.
“No, I was sitting on the beach back there. You walked by without noticing me. Good thing I wasn’t a serial killer.” He half-heartedly smiled at the last part. He had such a genuine smile. His hair was down, blowing in the gentle sea breeze, I realized he had no make up on. He was wearing track pants and matching jacket.
“Yeah, I guess so, huh?” I didn’t really have it in me to smile back at him, but I wanted too. Then he walked forward and wrapped me in a hug. I felt the tears warming my eyes and I couldn’t stop them, so I started sobbing into his shoulder.
“It’s ok. I’m here.” He was murmuring into the side of my head. He had one arm wrapped around my waist and the other was stroking my hair.
We sat like that for a while. I don’t know how long. Until my jaw hurt from crying, until my nose was running and I felt disgusting for wiping it on my sleeves in front of him. He kept whispering the same thing over and over, telling me that it was ok, that he was there. Eventually we sat down in the cool sand. He put his arm around me and I leaned into him and we just stared out at the distant sunrise in silence.
“Do you want to talk about it?” His eyes were so honest.
I sniffed and cleared my throat, wiping the last tears from my eyes.
“I am just mad that he is here. This is my vacation. He is not welcome here. What he did to me was a terrible thing and I just don’t want to see him. It’s painful.”
Bill furrowed his eyebrows and dropped his eyes to his feet.
“Do you still love him?”
“No, I could never love him. Not after what he did. I just wish he wasn’t here. I want to enjoy my time with yo- um, here on vacation. You know?” I looked away to hide the blush creeping across my cheeks at my blunder.
Bill put his arm around me again and pulled me close.
“I’m sorry he’s here. I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault.” I wrapped my arms around him and inhaled his scent. Here I was watching the sunrise with him, and I was talking about Josh. I should be enjoying this feeling, cherishing his arms around me. It might mean nothing but consolement on his part, but it meant everything to me.
“I have an idea.” Bill’s voice was suddenly cheery.
“What is that?”
“Lets leave early. Today. We will take the first flight to California, stay on the beach in San Simeon, go wine tasting on the central coast and see Hearst Castle. The Maldives are overrated anyways.” He was grinning down at me as he grabbed a fistful of sand and threw it in the air to make his point.
“You are so crazy! Aren’t we supposed to stay here for like another week?”
“I get paid a lot of money to be crazy.” He winked back at me.
I laughed in return, “Well then, Mr. Kaulitz, don’t let me stop you.”
“Good, I was hoping you would say that.” Then he ran his hand into my hair, leaned forward and kissed me.
It caught me so off guard that I stared back at him in shock, open mouthed for a few seconds afterwards.
“I’m sorry, have I offended you?” He pulled back in concern.
“No, no, I just, you said we could only be friends, so I just wasn’t expecting, I didn’t know-
I didn’t finish my sentence. Bill was kissing me again. I was okay with this.
“I hate you both right now.” Tom had his pillow covering his face, turned away from us and the glare of the light we were accosting him with.
“What time is it anyways? If it’s not eleven, don’t even talk to me.” He was a human mole hiding under a mound of comforters and pillows trying to hide from our intrusion. It was actually pretty endearing.
“Tom, our flight leaves in two hours. Wake up, we have to pack.” Bill was pulling at his brother’s foot trying to get his attention.
“Mmmph.” Was his sullen reply.
“Tom, I made out with your brother on the beach. For like an hour.”
“WHAT?” Tom shot straight up in bed. His eyes were puffy, his braids were fuzzy and he was shirtless. He had a slight drool stain on the left side of his cheek; I couldn’t help it I started laughing at him.
“I seriously hate you right now.” He glared back at me then looked at Bill. “Did you really make out with her?”
Bill just smiled deviously and turned on his heel,“I have to pack. Our car is arriving in thirty minutes.”
Tom looked at me incredulously and mouthed “O.M.G.”
“You have a little, uh, drool right there.” I motioned to the left side of my cheek.
I ducked as a pillow flew through the air.
He was the love of my life
I thought of my self
As his future wife
But he got cold feet
And claimed he was lost
And that sent my heart
Into a state of permafrost
So here I stay
A frigid ice queen
Stuck in a land
Of frozen dreams
The suitors they come
And I send them away
Hoping and pining
For that special day
When prince charming
Will melt away my pain
And chase away
All of the freezing rain
When the popsicles
Will melt to flower fields
And my defenses
Will drop all their shields
The color will reign
Across the land
And he will kneel
And ask for my hand.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Lets take my shattered dreams
And mix them with sand
To make mud pies
Then we can send
Our wishes on a star
And make pies in the sky
If dreams were reality
I’de be a millionaire
And we’d have a mansion
And not a worry or a care
So lets take my delusions
And build silver castles
In the sky and take this
Alternative reality for a ride
I’m building a dream canal
To take you on a cruise
My tears fill up the waterway
My delusions make the mood
Time is like an hour glass
Ticking in the sky
Reminding me of you
As the years pass by
So set the sails
The pies high in the sky
And time is a ticking
As we sit idly by
Not a moment should be
Wasted lets grab the
Wind in our hands
And finally become
the makers of the land.
For love is tricky
And fate is blind
And reality is an
Evil web lost in
A deluded sense of time.
Lifes too hard
Like us to win
Without a dream
Without a hope
Life’s just a slippery rope
We’ve got a dream
We’ve got a hope
I’ve got a dream
I’ve got a hope
Maybe you’ve had a rough day
Life doesn’t always go your way
Maybe your wife left you
Or traffic was really bad
Your car broke down
Or you lost all you had
Life is frustrating
And it can get you down
But that’s now who I am
And I’m not gonna let it win
Im not the type to just give in because
I’ve got a dream
I’ve got a hope
Life can be hard
It’s a slippery rope
It’s hard enough to just get by
Its an uphill road
Watching your dreams
But I’ve got a dream
Ive got a hope
Life can be hard
It’s a slipper rope
I’ve got a dream
I’ve got a hope
Life can be hard
It’s a slippery rope
That’s all I can say into this space
and that I am not into you
it’s not fair because I know what its like to hurt
like that and I hate inflicting the pain
and if I could you know I would take it all away
I hate saying this here because I know you hear it
But I have to be myself and I have to be free
And I just hope you can forgive me
So just take my word vomit
And write it down
Chew it up and spit it out
Let it marinate and let it sit
And when you can I want you to deal with it
Friendships are always tricky things
Especially when there were once feelings
And I know that you know that I will always care
But I have to keep you at a distance
Because you have to be cruel to be kind
You have to find your person and you have to find your dream
And you can’t grow emotionally if you continue
To obsess over me
So I have to let you go and I have to let you fly
And I have to pray that we can be friends
As time goes by.
So take my word vomit
And throw it in the air
Take my word vomit
And see that I care
Maybe not the way you want me to
But just know that as a friend
I will always be compassionate
I hate hurting others
And I hate causing pain
Especially when I have known the same
And I know what you’re going through
Just know that I am going through it too
Months ago someone hurt me,
They tore me right through
For years I believed a lie
And followed a pipe dream
Only to watch it come down crashing.
So take my word vomit
And see my pain
And know that there will come a day
When we find ourselves as whole
And find someone
That fits our mold.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
“She is a crazy person.” Tom was trudging behind Bill.
“Can you put sunscreen on my shoulders?” Bill was squinting at Tom and handing him the Banana Boat.
I however, was already knee deep and wading through crystal clear, warm ocean water. As soon as the water hit my waist I dove into the soft surf. I felt my hair fan around my head as I spurred onward, kicking my feet through the warm water. Finally when my lungs felt like they were going to burst, I came back to the surface with a deep inhale.
“LOOK OUT!” I could hear the twin’s frantic shouts from shore. I merrily turned back to them, blinking the salt water out of my blurry eyes and squishing the water from my nose.
“SHARK!!!” I could see them frantically hopping about now, pointing around me. My heart sunk and I spun around and started frantically peddling towards shore.
Gasping for breath and clutching my side I ran out of the water and up the beach.
“Oh my god, wha-
I stopped mid-sentence when I saw they were laughing hysterically.
“You should have seen how fast you swam ashore!”
“I have never seen someone move so fast!”
“You are both such assholes.” I didn’t even know if there were sharks here. My heart was still pounding and I could feel my face turning red as I cleaned the water out of my ears.
They were chattering and laughing in German, probably about blubbery personal assistants as shark bait. Brats.
Then I noticed that their skin was still wet from the freshly applied sunscreen. Both boys were laying on clean beach towels, ever so careful to avoid the sand. After all, there was nothing worse than getting covered in sand after a fresh application of sunscreen.
Two could play this game. I knelt down while they were giggling and scooped up some sand.
Two pairs of somber hazel eyes were starring at my sand filled palms.
“You wouldn’t da-
Bill didn’t get to finish his sentence. I through the sand all over their torsos and took off running for the water as I heard a string of squeals and curses behind me.
I had almost made it to the shore when Tom’s strong hands wrapped around my waist and Bill’s hands clutched my feet. Before I knew it, I was being carried, face down, ass in the air. Bill had my legs and Tom had me slung under an arm. They marched me right back to their camp.
“What shall we do with this traitor Tom?” Bill was shaking his locks out of his eyes while I tried to squirm out of their grasp.
“I don’t know little brother, she is your assistant.” Tom shifted me so that my weight was set on his hip, “maybe she needs a spanking!” He winked as he raised a hand over my exposed bum.
“Don’t you dare Tom Kaulitz! You will rue the day you start that war with me!” I started giggling. This was so ridiculous. I was arse in the air between two gorgeous twin rockstars, in the Maldives. How could I endure such torture?
“I have an idea.” Bill’s smile wiped mine clean off my face. This was not going to be good.
“Oh yeah? What is that little brother?”
“Let me take this little trickster and show her a lesson.” Bill picked me up from Tom’s grasp and then the world was tilting and I was being slung over his boney shoulder. Then the ground was tilting up and down as he waltzed down the beach with all 100 pounds of me over his shoulder.
“Bill Kaulitz, what are you doing?” I was laughing now, laughing through the pain in my stomach from his shoulder.
“Oh, nothing.” Bill was happily humming as he waltzed along the dock that lead to the cabana we had rented.
Then we were walking out along the deck past the cabana.
“Bill? Don’t you dare throw me off the end of this thing, Bill Kaulitz, oh my god!” I startled wiggling with all my might and laughing in fear as I realized what he was doing.
“That has to be a twenty foot drop! I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I won’t ever do it again!” I was writhing now, but his grip was firm and we were nearing the end.
Then he stopped. I wrenched my head around to peer past his shoulder. Sure enough, here we were at the end of the pier. Bill started to pull me off his shoulder.
I wasn’t about to let this happen.
I wrapped my legs around his torso and slung my arms around his neck. My face was buried in his hair. My protests were muffled but I wasn’t giving up without a fight.
“You little weasel. Fine. Two can play that game!”
Then Bill wrapped his arms around me, stepped off the edge of the pier and turned his head to get away from my ear piercing scream as we fell to the warm waters below.
We stayed locked in each other’s embrace until we hit the water. I felt the rough impact of the ocean surface slap against my thighs, lower back and arms as we made contact. I could feel the prickly sting along my limbs from the surface impact as I opened my eyes and kicked my feet until I was oriented towards the surface again.
Bill and I broke surface at the same time, gasping for air and laughing hysterically.
“You – are – such – a – jerk!” I sputtered between gasps. He just giggled and paddled backwards, facing me with a teasing smile all the way back to shore. When I got to waist height in the water I started splashing water at Bill who ducked and laughed.
“Hey! Are you two idiots done yet?” Tom was laughing at the shoreline waiting with towels. “I am ready for a drink!”
Bill and I shared another laugh and trudged ashore.
“You should have seen her face Tom!” Bill was laughing between bites of fruit. He stopped to take a sip of wine and then dazzled me with a wide smile.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” I shook my head and smiled down at my plate, he was breathtaking in the soft light.
“I couldn’t figure out what you were doing and then you were walking along the dock and I was just laughing, then when she was squirming - so funny!” Tom was smiling just as wide as his twin reminiscing about our afternoon plunge.
We had taken dinner to go and were sitting on the deck of the cabana, surrounded by darkness and glowing tikki torches. The stars were out in full and the only sound aside from our laughter was the soft lapping of the waves against the pier footings. It was a perfect night.
“You guys better watch out, this is a full on war now.” I winked across the table at Bill, who just laughed through another bite of pineapple.
“Oh, I am so scared!” Tom faked a shudder and started laughing with his twin again.
It was perfect watching them so happy and relaxed. They were carefree, blissful and happy. I wanted to drink in this memory.
“So what is in store for us tomorrow boys?” I wasn’t used to asking them for the schedule, usually I was the one making the plans and keeping our appointments. They had insisted on planning everything for the vacation and keeping it a surprise.
“Well, we thought we would take a boat out and go snorkeling –
- We rented a charter. We can relax by the beach with some cocktails afterwards and maybe sit in the hot tub in the evening.” Bill finished Tom’s sentence.
What could be better than spending a gorgeous day in the Maldives with two gorgeous rockstars? If I had known how exciting our charter was going to turn out, I would have opted to stay in.
“We are stranded.” The boat captain was somberly explaining to us after finishing his S.O.S. call to the mainland.
“Great, only we could end up stranded in the middle of the ocean.” Tom was laughing to himself as he settled back against the plush seats with his iPod. He closed his eyes as he relaxed into whatever song was playing.
“How long until someone is able to come out and tow us back to shore?” I was hoping he wasn’t going to say soon. I was perfectly happy being stuck out here in the warm sun with two shirtless rockstars. I was in no rush to go anywhere. In fact, I was all for starting another Gilligan’s Isle.
“Maybe an hour?” The captain paid me little attention in his answer as he made his way back inside his tower and shut the door.
“Tom, I need more sunscreen.” Bill was looking at Tom who was already asleep in the sun with his headphones on.
“Here, I can get that.” I grabbed the bottle from Bill and squeezed a warm glob on my hand. Let’s be honest here, I have been dreaming of this moment for weeks. I tried to stifle my blushing ear-to-ear grin as I slathered him with sunscreen. First I rubbed the lotion across his shoulders, then down his arms, his back and across his shoulder blades. I was in heaven. I was about to ask if he wanted a second application when a horn blasted to the left and we both jumped to attention.
“Ahoy! I hear you need a tow into shore!” My heart sank as a familiar voice rang out. This was not happening.
“Yay, we are saved!” Bill gave a little hop and clapped his hands as he ran over to wake Tom up.
I however, stood stock still with my jaw hanging open as my ex boyfriend pulled his boat up to ours.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Part 6 continued...
"We are going to the Maldives."
"Um. What?" I was having an internal freak out. You want me in a bikini with you, the rock star god-like creature…shirtless??
Bill smiled and tossed his hair over his shoulder. He got a sing song sound in his voice as he stood up and flitted around the room organizing things he needed for the short trip he was surprising me with.
"Well, you have been so amazing these past few months. I felt that I needed to give you a bonus." He smiled as he applied lip gloss and smacked his lips. He went back to arranging songs on his pre-show playlist and continued bobbing his head.
My heart was hammering in my chest. I had somehow survived the tour. It had been six months of pure love struck torture. I had an amazing friendship developed with the twins, but I was still very much in love with Bill. The paparazzi had finally given up on pursuing me as Bill's love interest and had moved on to harassing Tom about the groupie sex he continued to indulge in.
I had started to worry as the tour wrapped up that we would part ways and I would never be able to secretly stare at his gorgeous face again. I assumed I would go back to working for Maggie and that would be it. Apparently however, we were going on vacation - together - in the incredibly beautiful and romantic Maldive Islands. Huh.
"Also, I have another surprise for you." He looked at me with a hyperactive twinkle in his eye.
"I don't even know what could be more of a surprise than going to the Maldives!" I just shook my head and smiled at him in disbelief. I couldn't help but think about how much he would regret this when he saw me in a bikini.
"When we return from the Maldives we are going on a two week wine and scenic tour of your home town." He was very proud of himself.
I was dying. My heart was swelling and all I wanted to do was kiss his perfect lips.
“Bill, I, this is – just amazing. Thank you so much. I can’t even believe you are doing so much for me! Thank you.” I looked down at the paperwork in my lap as I felt the tears welling up in my eyes.
“Oh no, no crying! This is supposed to make you happy!” Bill laughed as he slid over onto the couch I was sitting on and wrapped his long arms around me. I let my head fall against his chest and listened to the soft beating of his heart.
“I am pretty awesome, but please don’t cry!” Bill giggled as he tipped my chin up with his finger, forcing me to look him square in the eye.
His laughing eyes turned serious instantly as I returned his gaze. I stopped breathing. This was a heartfelt gift of appreciation from him, but to me, this was so much more. I was so in love with him and he had no idea how much I cherished the idea of spending more time with him.
“Thank you.” I looked into his eyes earnestly as I said it. I wanted him to know how much I appreciated his efforts.
“You’re welcome.” He mumbled. His features were softening. I felt the hyperness change into something I didn’t quite understand. Before I could decipher his emotion he stood up abruptly and walked to the closet.
“Well, I need to meet with Tom about some arrangements. I will see you tomorrow morning at the airport.” And then he was gone.
So how are you proposing? Tom was eagerly watching his twin pack for their vacation with Jessi.
I am not proposing you idiot. We’re all going on an innocent little vacation and then we are going on another little amazing adventure in the states. Bill smiled to himself at the thought of Jessi walking down the aisle, as his future wife.
Oh yeah? You aren’t proposing huh? Tom scoffed and shoved Bill’s shoulder gently. Then why was Alicia sent to look at rings yesterday??
“You just shush, if I want to give my assistant a ring I can give her a ring.” Bill smiled back at his mischievous twin.
Does that mean I get to stare at her as$ in a bikini? Cause that would be awesome. Tom raised his eyebrows twice and then winked at his brother. Bill promptly shoved his shoulder and rolled his eyes.
Ok, fine, I am going to propose. I know she is the one. I just hope she will say yes. This is completely unconventional! Bill started to frown as he worried about the likelihood of Jessi saying yes. He wasn’t sure he knew how she felt about him. He had scorned her six months ago.
You can’t possibly be worried. It is obvious that she is smitten with you. You are both lovesick saps walking around pining for each other all the time. It makes me sick. Frankly, we will all be happy when you are finally honest with each other and just have crazy makeout sessions all over the place. Tom was laughing as Bill shoved him off the edge of the bed.
Will you please shut up! That is my future wife you are talking about. Bill winked as he zipped his suitcase.
What Bill hadn’t planned on was Josh being in the Maldives as well. What will happen when Josh and Jessi run into each other after all this time? Will Bill go through with his plans to propose to Jessi? Will seeing Josh remind her of her love for him? Or will she stay true to Bill? Stay tuned to find out…
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
In my opinion a person needs someone to care about. They want to be loved, obviously, but they also want someone to love. There are times in a persons life when they are not into the person they are with or they break up with someone and are at an in-between point in their life where they have no one to love. So they start crushing on a celebrity. Or maybe they just always have a crush on a celebrity because celebrities are easy to crush on. Anyways, they are the perfect crush because (a) they are always GORGEOUS, (b) you're never going to meet them so you can imagine they have the perfect persona to fit what you need, and (c) since you are never going to actually meet them they will never let you down.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Beeeep, beeeeeeep, beeeeeeeep.
I cannot believe I am waking up at 3 AM. This is madness. I thought rockstars partied all night and slept all day? No one told me about this business of waking up at 3 AM to meet with early morning radio stations.
Of course, I really can’t be too mad because I GET TO FOLLOW BILL KAULITZ AROUND ALL DAY. I did an internal squeal and kicked my sheets back. It was time to make myself presentable. Today was the first day of the tour and my last morning at home. I had a bit of a headache from all the champagne I drank at the friends and family dinner the night before. I vaguely remembered how hot my cheeks felt when I thought Bill was about to kiss me...and instead told me I had the designer dress they sent over for me ON INSIDE OUT. I really know how to make a first impression.
The rest of the evening was a blur of people I didn't know and a few embarrassing memories of me hiding out in the bathroom trying not to hyperventilate because Bill touched the small of my back or brushed my thigh when he walked by. It was all completely innocent...or because I was constantly falling down in front of him. Which reminded me that I should definitely wear flats today.
I put on a Tokio Hotel playlist and bounced around my apartment getting ready. I replayed our drunken conversations as I drove to the coffee house. We must have talked for two hours before his driver took me home. It was all completely random: why he was a vegetarian, what he did for fun, how he had to live in fear of the paparazzi, about his family and the few close friends he had. I told him about why I came to Germany. About my parents deaths, about my ex leaving me after four years for his secretary. About the solace I found in the music industry, an industry where no one knew about my past. We toasted one last glass of champagne to a promising tour and a great working relationship. I remembered his awkward hug goodbye. How when I looked up at him after the hug he had faltered and kept his hands at my waist, sending my heart hammering.
I was still reminiscing when I arrived at the storage compound where the tour buses were waiting. I was early and the band hadn't arrived yet.
I had barely gotten out of my car when a buzz of people ushered me to the boys tour bus (Gustav and Georg had their own, and the twins were sharing the other and I would be staying in a third bus with other tour members). I was basically told to sit down on the pleather couch and not touch anything. So naturally the first thing I did when they left me alone in the bus was to walk around and touch everything. I looked at the family pictures on the walls; I ran my fingers across the soft plush dog beds and started to sip on my coffee. That’s when I saw the giant radio. I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to know what the boys listened too. Unfortunately for me, everything was in German. I didn’t speak German very well. I started pushing what I thought was the eject button. I was blasted a foot back by loud rap music that seemed to be shaking the windows. Holy freak out, what did I just do?! I am an idiot, idiot, idiot! I frantically started turning knobs and buttons until the music was adjusted to a lower frequency. Breathing a sigh of relief I thought about turning it off, but then I realized I really liked the beat. I looked back at the door to make sure no one had noticed my little blaring of music and then let my giddiness from last night take over. I may be a klutz but I looooved dancing. Then I got a blast of caffeine induced hyper activity and really started moving. I had a good 40 minutes of time to kill, so I might as well dance it out. I started swaying my hips from side to side, but then the tempo picked up so I dropped down low and popped my hips back and forth as I stood back up.
Then the music cut out.
“What are you doing?”
Oh god. I turned around, feeling the blush creep up my neck and saw Bill standing in the doorway.
“Um. Dancing?” Because it is TOTALLY normal to be popping it at 4 AM on your tour bus…what is wrong with me?!
Bills face broke out into a giant smile as he tried to hold back giggles. Then he just started roaring laughing. He walked up the steps laughing. Still laughing he wrapped his arms around me in a hug.
I will not hyperventilate or die of mortification. Breathe. Breathe.
Between giggles, he managed to choke out, “That was so cute, you’re going to have to teach me how to dance.” Then he strolled over to the table and picked up the cup labeled ‘Bill.’ He continued to giggle randomly as he walked about the bus finding paperwork with the day’s agenda. I sat in the corner and tried not to look him in the eye.
“So it looks like we start with KROQ at 5 and then go to GROX at 6?” He was sitting on the couch across from me with one leg crossed over the other and a wide innocent expression.
“Yes.” Please make out with me.
He just sat there for a second with a gleam in his eye starring at me. I shifted uncomfortably and started to apologize again.
“I am really sorry I didn’t mean to touch anything, I just got bored –
He cute me off mid sentence.
“Don’t worry about it. You will find that I do a lot of dancing. I am generally pretty hyper. Just not at 4 AM.” He half smiled and stood up. Then he crossed the distance between us in two steps and sat down beside me.
I stopped breathing when his thigh touched mine. I looked up at his face, a mere foot or so from mine and froze when I saw how soft his eyes were. He was starring me right in the face. The smell of menthol overtook me and I half closed my eyes before stiffening back up again.
“Usually what I like to do is go over the days schedule before we get started. We need to go over a few cues. When the interview is five minutes from over I need you to give me a time out sign.” He held his hands up in a T symbol.
“I also need you to keep water handy for me please, and bring me lunch. I will rely on your cues to move me from interview to interview.” He finished by listing the topics he wasn’t allowed to talk about, which would cue me to end the interview. Then he was earnestly looking me in the eye and I was blushing again.
“Ok.” Was all I could mumble as he was starring at my lips.
“I probably shouldn’t say this, but you looked amazing last night.” His soft brown eyes were probing mine.
“Thank you,” I breathed. My heart was racing, surely he could hear it pounding as he started to lean closer.
Just as his head tilted and his lips brushed mine the door to the tour bus was thrown open and Tom’s voice tore through the silence.
The day went by really fast. The boys went from interview to interview answering the same basic questions.
“So why did you chose the name Tokio Hotel?”
“Tom, how many women have you slept with?”
“What way will you wear your hair next Bill?”
“What made you become vegetarians?”
“What is the song Automatic about?”
I breathed a sigh of relief when the last interview was over. It was 3 PM and we were finally done for the day. The boys were exhausted. I had spent half the day fantasizing about what would have happened if Tom hadn’t interrupted Bill and I earlier in the morning. Every time I thought about it I turned beat red and looked at Bill. He was always starring back at me. The only time he managed a straight face was when he was doing interviews. Between sets he would walk over and get a bottle of water from me, catch my eye and then we would both blush again.
We were walking out of the studio when their manager clapped his hands and said, "Dinner is on me everyone!"
So much for going back to the privacy of Bill's bus...
Dinner felt like it stretched on for eternity. Bill sat at a different table than I did and I spent half of dinner staring at the back of his head. By the time dessert was served I felt like a complete creeper. I slid out of my booth to get more soda as Tom did the same.
"So when are you gonna make out with my brother?" He asked right as I started to sip on my soda. I choked and spit it across the aisle.
He erupted into a fit of giggles as everyone turned to look at me. I could feel my cheeks burning.
"You are such an as$." I choked back at him before I started laughing too. My laughter was cut short when my eyes met Bill's and he didn't return my smile. Instead his expression went blank and he looked away.
A little pit started to turn in my stomach as I shoved Tom's shoulder and awkwardly walked back to my seat. Dinner continued like that, with Tom chiding me from the other table and Bill ignoring me. By the time we all got up to leave the restaurant I might as well have been invisible to Bill. He didn't look at me, talk to me or anything.
I comforted myself thinking that maybe he didn't want to be obvious about what had happened that morning. Maybe he just didn't want anyone to know. Tom's comment probably embarrassed him. He doesn't want everyone to know that we almost made out. Silly Tom. I started to slide into the limousine with him and Tom and the other assistants but Bill put a hand up before we could get in.
"Tom and I would like to ride back alone." Then he crawled in and closed the door. Something was definitely wrong. I climbed in the other car and rode back in silence.
When we were finally back at the buses I crawled out of the car and started walking towards my bus. Bill motioned to me from the corner of my eye as he walked to his bus. He turned to me and nodded for me to follow him. I felt a faint flutter of hope in my chest.
My heart started racing as we walked up the steps to his tour bus. He looked really tired and worn out as he sat down on the couch. I plopped down next to him. I looked around for Tom, unsure of where he was. When I looked back at Bill his face was somber.
“I think we made a mistake this morning.” His worried confession sent my heart plummeting. He was looking at me earnestly, wringing his hands in his lap.
“I overstepped the boundaries of a professional relationship and I am really sorry.” His eyes caught mine and held them.
I rocked forward and looked at my notebook like it had something really important written on it. My heart was doing a nose dive to my feet.
“Of course, I totally understand. It won’t happen again.” I felt completely defeated, of course he thinks it was a mistake. What was I thinking. He was probably distracted by nausea all day. Stupid girl, stupid, stupid girl. I was internally berating myself when Tom burst through the door again.
Always with the perfect timing…
“Hey love birds, you need me to give you some ALONE time?” He winked at me as he walked by and closed his bedroom door behind him.
I didn’t have an offhanded comment for him. He didn’t notice my burning red face, but Bill shifted uncomfortably next to me. He stood up and walked over to the fridge and started rooting around for a soda.
"So what is on the agenda for tomorrow?" Bill's stiff question was more like a monotone statement for Tom's benefit. I could see where he was going with this conversation.
“Um, so tomorrow we have the Vogue photo shoot and a few more promotional interviews. You boys practice at six and then it’s stage call by nine.” I felt like I needed to fill the awkward silence. If he was going to play cool then I was going to pretend like nothing happened and make it through this tour.
Bill wearily opened the soda can and nodded back at me. There was no mistaking it, there was a haze of awkward between us now. He purposefully sat on the couch opposite of me.
“Ok then, I am going to hit the showers guys…see you in the morning.” I stood up, and wobbled down the steps and out the door. I kept a straight face until I made it safely in the shower of my bus. Then I started sobbing. I cried for the rejection I got from Bill. I cried about my parents deaths, and then I cried about Josh.
Memories of my former boyfriend's rejection flooded my mind. I had been dating Josh for four years when he left me. Bill's rejection brought the pain fresh to my mind. I was flooded with memories of Josh as I washed my hair, sobbing into the burning shower water. How I felt when I first met him. His smile, his soft hands, the way his blue eyes would crinkle when he smiled at me. The way my lungs felt compressed when he tearily told me he had been having an affair with his secretary. I cried and cried until my jaw was sore and my eyes were tired. Then I crawled out of the shower and into my pajamas. I trudged past the other two crew members on my bus and crawled into my little bunk space. A solitary tear rolled down my cheek as I went to sleep dreaming about the smell of menthol and those haunting hazel eyes.
I shot straight out of my bunk and smacked my head on the upper bunk railing.
“Ow! What, what did I miss?” I was rubbing the throbbing pain at my forehead as I fell back onto my pillow.
“It’s time to wake up, we have an hour until the shoot.” Angelo was a production assistant. He was watching me warily as he pulled pants out of his small closet.
Right. The shoot. The shoot with Bill the rockstar who doesn’t want to make out with me. Bill my boss for the next six months. Bill Kaulitz, the God like creature that I was majorly crushing on who wanted nothing more than his morning coffee from me.
“Ok. Thanks for the wake up call.” Jerk face. Maybe next time you could blow a foghorn in my ear.
I stumbled my way to the bathroom to survey the damage to my face. A small red bump was forming on my forehead. Glorious. Maybe I will have an open wound for Bill to pour salt into as he dances around me in his lovely pleather pants and laughs.
I bumbled through the motions of getting ready, pulled on my favorite khaki Bermuda shorts, a lacy knit top and short heels. After throwing my hair in a side part bun I hopped off my bus and headed over to the boys bus.
This was the start of a new day; a day where I would not fantasize about making out with my boss. No siree. No making out with Bill. I am his ever faithful assistant and nothing more.
I confidently strode up to the security guards outside of Bill and Tom’s abode and prepared to knock on the door. Before I could lift a hand Tom burst through the doors startling me back three feet and huffed past.
“YOU reason with him. Good effing luck!”
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU TOLD HER IT WAS A MISTAKE?? You finally get a chance to makeout with a girl and you chicken out? What the h-
Bill tuned out Tom’s mental berating and went back to chewing on his cinnamon sugar toast. He knew it was a mistake to tell his twin what happened.
-that girl is gloriously hot and clearly madly in love with you and you just blow her off?? I know you have feelings for her, you have been twitterpated on her since you met, why on Earth would you-
That is enough. Bill gave Tom a stern look and stood up.
Of course I have feelings for her. She’s amazing. I feel comfortable with her. THE MEDIA will eat her alive. I can’t do that to her. I can’t put her through the paparazzi following her everywhere and the media frenzy that will ensue when they find out. Don’t look at me like that.
Tom was getting heated. Bill could see the color rising in his throat.
“When are you going to stop letting the paparazzi rule our lives?” Tom almost spat the last part out. He stood up and stomped out of the bus.
“YOU reason with him. Good effing luck!” He heard him shout as he stomped out of the bus.
Bill sighed and sat back. He woke up in a good mood despite tossing restlessly after his conversation with Jessi. He knew he had made the right decision, despite his feelings for her. It wasn't easy watching her face fall. It was even harder not to blurt out that he was madly in love with her and then smother her beautiful little mouth with kisses and apologies. But he knew he had to protect her.
“Good morning,” he heard Jessi timidly say. She was blushing again. He loved when the blood pooled across her cheeks. Her green eyes always stood out like beacons of beauty against the coloring when she blushed. For a moment his mind went blank.
“Morning!” He chirped back and jumped up. He was hyper and he wasn’t going to let this put a damper on his day.
“I brought you coffee.” She was trying not to be awkward, but was failing miserably.
“Perfect. Want to go to lunch with me today?” Word vomit. He had a bad habit of saying too much, all the time.
“Um, I have to bring you lunch anyways…” She was looking at him bewildered by his question.
“No, I mean instead of bringing me pizza today, I want you and I to go to lunch.”
He said it slowly, so she would know he was being serious.
“Ok. Sure. Um, about yesterday, I am really so-
He started to feel guilty. He could see embarrassment flash across her features as she stuttered through an apology about making him feel uncomfortable and that she meant nothing by it and that she was perfectly capable of being just friends.
“Jessi. It is just lunch. I have some idea's I need you to put down for me. Want some cinnamon sugar toast?” He popped up from his seat and started crunching on his favorite snack.
“I think I am fine. You crack me up. I am pouring my heart out to you and you are…eating toast.” She was shaking her head laughing, and he couldn’t help but laugh back through his mouthful of toast.
Then they were both laughing.
“Ok, lets go take some pictures of my beautiful face,” he giggled as he rolled his eyes at her.
He bit his lower lip before he could blurt out his true feelings.