Beeeep, beeeeeeep, beeeeeeeep.
I cannot believe I am waking up at 3 AM. This is madness. I thought rockstars partied all night and slept all day? No one told me about this business of waking up at 3 AM to meet with early morning radio stations.
Of course, I really can’t be too mad because I GET TO FOLLOW BILL KAULITZ AROUND ALL DAY. I did an internal squeal and kicked my sheets back. It was time to make myself presentable. Today was the first day of the tour and my last morning at home. I had a bit of a headache from all the champagne I drank at the friends and family dinner the night before. I vaguely remembered how hot my cheeks felt when I thought Bill was about to kiss me...and instead told me I had the designer dress they sent over for me ON INSIDE OUT. I really know how to make a first impression.
The rest of the evening was a blur of people I didn't know and a few embarrassing memories of me hiding out in the bathroom trying not to hyperventilate because Bill touched the small of my back or brushed my thigh when he walked by. It was all completely innocent...or because I was constantly falling down in front of him. Which reminded me that I should definitely wear flats today.
I put on a Tokio Hotel playlist and bounced around my apartment getting ready. I replayed our drunken conversations as I drove to the coffee house. We must have talked for two hours before his driver took me home. It was all completely random: why he was a vegetarian, what he did for fun, how he had to live in fear of the paparazzi, about his family and the few close friends he had. I told him about why I came to Germany. About my parents deaths, about my ex leaving me after four years for his secretary. About the solace I found in the music industry, an industry where no one knew about my past. We toasted one last glass of champagne to a promising tour and a great working relationship. I remembered his awkward hug goodbye. How when I looked up at him after the hug he had faltered and kept his hands at my waist, sending my heart hammering.
I was still reminiscing when I arrived at the storage compound where the tour buses were waiting. I was early and the band hadn't arrived yet.
I had barely gotten out of my car when a buzz of people ushered me to the boys tour bus (Gustav and Georg had their own, and the twins were sharing the other and I would be staying in a third bus with other tour members). I was basically told to sit down on the pleather couch and not touch anything. So naturally the first thing I did when they left me alone in the bus was to walk around and touch everything. I looked at the family pictures on the walls; I ran my fingers across the soft plush dog beds and started to sip on my coffee. That’s when I saw the giant radio. I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to know what the boys listened too. Unfortunately for me, everything was in German. I didn’t speak German very well. I started pushing what I thought was the eject button. I was blasted a foot back by loud rap music that seemed to be shaking the windows. Holy freak out, what did I just do?! I am an idiot, idiot, idiot! I frantically started turning knobs and buttons until the music was adjusted to a lower frequency. Breathing a sigh of relief I thought about turning it off, but then I realized I really liked the beat. I looked back at the door to make sure no one had noticed my little blaring of music and then let my giddiness from last night take over. I may be a klutz but I looooved dancing. Then I got a blast of caffeine induced hyper activity and really started moving. I had a good 40 minutes of time to kill, so I might as well dance it out. I started swaying my hips from side to side, but then the tempo picked up so I dropped down low and popped my hips back and forth as I stood back up.
Then the music cut out.
“What are you doing?”
Oh god. I turned around, feeling the blush creep up my neck and saw Bill standing in the doorway.
“Um. Dancing?” Because it is TOTALLY normal to be popping it at 4 AM on your tour bus…what is wrong with me?!
Bills face broke out into a giant smile as he tried to hold back giggles. Then he just started roaring laughing. He walked up the steps laughing. Still laughing he wrapped his arms around me in a hug.
I will not hyperventilate or die of mortification. Breathe. Breathe.
Between giggles, he managed to choke out, “That was so cute, you’re going to have to teach me how to dance.” Then he strolled over to the table and picked up the cup labeled ‘Bill.’ He continued to giggle randomly as he walked about the bus finding paperwork with the day’s agenda. I sat in the corner and tried not to look him in the eye.
“So it looks like we start with KROQ at 5 and then go to GROX at 6?” He was sitting on the couch across from me with one leg crossed over the other and a wide innocent expression.
“Yes.” Please make out with me.
He just sat there for a second with a gleam in his eye starring at me. I shifted uncomfortably and started to apologize again.
“I am really sorry I didn’t mean to touch anything, I just got bored –
He cute me off mid sentence.
“Don’t worry about it. You will find that I do a lot of dancing. I am generally pretty hyper. Just not at 4 AM.” He half smiled and stood up. Then he crossed the distance between us in two steps and sat down beside me.
I stopped breathing when his thigh touched mine. I looked up at his face, a mere foot or so from mine and froze when I saw how soft his eyes were. He was starring me right in the face. The smell of menthol overtook me and I half closed my eyes before stiffening back up again.
“Usually what I like to do is go over the days schedule before we get started. We need to go over a few cues. When the interview is five minutes from over I need you to give me a time out sign.” He held his hands up in a T symbol.
“I also need you to keep water handy for me please, and bring me lunch. I will rely on your cues to move me from interview to interview.” He finished by listing the topics he wasn’t allowed to talk about, which would cue me to end the interview. Then he was earnestly looking me in the eye and I was blushing again.
“Ok.” Was all I could mumble as he was starring at my lips.
“I probably shouldn’t say this, but you looked amazing last night.” His soft brown eyes were probing mine.
“Thank you,” I breathed. My heart was racing, surely he could hear it pounding as he started to lean closer.
Just as his head tilted and his lips brushed mine the door to the tour bus was thrown open and Tom’s voice tore through the silence.
The day went by really fast. The boys went from interview to interview answering the same basic questions.
“So why did you chose the name Tokio Hotel?”
“Tom, how many women have you slept with?”
“What way will you wear your hair next Bill?”
“What made you become vegetarians?”
“What is the song Automatic about?”
I breathed a sigh of relief when the last interview was over. It was 3 PM and we were finally done for the day. The boys were exhausted. I had spent half the day fantasizing about what would have happened if Tom hadn’t interrupted Bill and I earlier in the morning. Every time I thought about it I turned beat red and looked at Bill. He was always starring back at me. The only time he managed a straight face was when he was doing interviews. Between sets he would walk over and get a bottle of water from me, catch my eye and then we would both blush again.
We were walking out of the studio when their manager clapped his hands and said, "Dinner is on me everyone!"
So much for going back to the privacy of Bill's bus...
Dinner felt like it stretched on for eternity. Bill sat at a different table than I did and I spent half of dinner staring at the back of his head. By the time dessert was served I felt like a complete creeper. I slid out of my booth to get more soda as Tom did the same.
"So when are you gonna make out with my brother?" He asked right as I started to sip on my soda. I choked and spit it across the aisle.
He erupted into a fit of giggles as everyone turned to look at me. I could feel my cheeks burning.
"You are such an as$." I choked back at him before I started laughing too. My laughter was cut short when my eyes met Bill's and he didn't return my smile. Instead his expression went blank and he looked away.
A little pit started to turn in my stomach as I shoved Tom's shoulder and awkwardly walked back to my seat. Dinner continued like that, with Tom chiding me from the other table and Bill ignoring me. By the time we all got up to leave the restaurant I might as well have been invisible to Bill. He didn't look at me, talk to me or anything.
I comforted myself thinking that maybe he didn't want to be obvious about what had happened that morning. Maybe he just didn't want anyone to know. Tom's comment probably embarrassed him. He doesn't want everyone to know that we almost made out. Silly Tom. I started to slide into the limousine with him and Tom and the other assistants but Bill put a hand up before we could get in.
"Tom and I would like to ride back alone." Then he crawled in and closed the door. Something was definitely wrong. I climbed in the other car and rode back in silence.
When we were finally back at the buses I crawled out of the car and started walking towards my bus. Bill motioned to me from the corner of my eye as he walked to his bus. He turned to me and nodded for me to follow him. I felt a faint flutter of hope in my chest.
My heart started racing as we walked up the steps to his tour bus. He looked really tired and worn out as he sat down on the couch. I plopped down next to him. I looked around for Tom, unsure of where he was. When I looked back at Bill his face was somber.
“I think we made a mistake this morning.” His worried confession sent my heart plummeting. He was looking at me earnestly, wringing his hands in his lap.
“I overstepped the boundaries of a professional relationship and I am really sorry.” His eyes caught mine and held them.
I rocked forward and looked at my notebook like it had something really important written on it. My heart was doing a nose dive to my feet.
“Of course, I totally understand. It won’t happen again.” I felt completely defeated, of course he thinks it was a mistake. What was I thinking. He was probably distracted by nausea all day. Stupid girl, stupid, stupid girl. I was internally berating myself when Tom burst through the door again.
Always with the perfect timing…
“Hey love birds, you need me to give you some ALONE time?” He winked at me as he walked by and closed his bedroom door behind him.
I didn’t have an offhanded comment for him. He didn’t notice my burning red face, but Bill shifted uncomfortably next to me. He stood up and walked over to the fridge and started rooting around for a soda.
"So what is on the agenda for tomorrow?" Bill's stiff question was more like a monotone statement for Tom's benefit. I could see where he was going with this conversation.
“Um, so tomorrow we have the Vogue photo shoot and a few more promotional interviews. You boys practice at six and then it’s stage call by nine.” I felt like I needed to fill the awkward silence. If he was going to play cool then I was going to pretend like nothing happened and make it through this tour.
Bill wearily opened the soda can and nodded back at me. There was no mistaking it, there was a haze of awkward between us now. He purposefully sat on the couch opposite of me.
“Ok then, I am going to hit the showers guys…see you in the morning.” I stood up, and wobbled down the steps and out the door. I kept a straight face until I made it safely in the shower of my bus. Then I started sobbing. I cried for the rejection I got from Bill. I cried about my parents deaths, and then I cried about Josh.
Memories of my former boyfriend's rejection flooded my mind. I had been dating Josh for four years when he left me. Bill's rejection brought the pain fresh to my mind. I was flooded with memories of Josh as I washed my hair, sobbing into the burning shower water. How I felt when I first met him. His smile, his soft hands, the way his blue eyes would crinkle when he smiled at me. The way my lungs felt compressed when he tearily told me he had been having an affair with his secretary. I cried and cried until my jaw was sore and my eyes were tired. Then I crawled out of the shower and into my pajamas. I trudged past the other two crew members on my bus and crawled into my little bunk space. A solitary tear rolled down my cheek as I went to sleep dreaming about the smell of menthol and those haunting hazel eyes.
I shot straight out of my bunk and smacked my head on the upper bunk railing.
“Ow! What, what did I miss?” I was rubbing the throbbing pain at my forehead as I fell back onto my pillow.
“It’s time to wake up, we have an hour until the shoot.” Angelo was a production assistant. He was watching me warily as he pulled pants out of his small closet.
Right. The shoot. The shoot with Bill the rockstar who doesn’t want to make out with me. Bill my boss for the next six months. Bill Kaulitz, the God like creature that I was majorly crushing on who wanted nothing more than his morning coffee from me.
“Ok. Thanks for the wake up call.” Jerk face. Maybe next time you could blow a foghorn in my ear.
I stumbled my way to the bathroom to survey the damage to my face. A small red bump was forming on my forehead. Glorious. Maybe I will have an open wound for Bill to pour salt into as he dances around me in his lovely pleather pants and laughs.
I bumbled through the motions of getting ready, pulled on my favorite khaki Bermuda shorts, a lacy knit top and short heels. After throwing my hair in a side part bun I hopped off my bus and headed over to the boys bus.
This was the start of a new day; a day where I would not fantasize about making out with my boss. No siree. No making out with Bill. I am his ever faithful assistant and nothing more.
I confidently strode up to the security guards outside of Bill and Tom’s abode and prepared to knock on the door. Before I could lift a hand Tom burst through the doors startling me back three feet and huffed past.
“YOU reason with him. Good effing luck!”
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU TOLD HER IT WAS A MISTAKE?? You finally get a chance to makeout with a girl and you chicken out? What the h-
Bill tuned out Tom’s mental berating and went back to chewing on his cinnamon sugar toast. He knew it was a mistake to tell his twin what happened.
-that girl is gloriously hot and clearly madly in love with you and you just blow her off?? I know you have feelings for her, you have been twitterpated on her since you met, why on Earth would you-
That is enough. Bill gave Tom a stern look and stood up.
Of course I have feelings for her. She’s amazing. I feel comfortable with her. THE MEDIA will eat her alive. I can’t do that to her. I can’t put her through the paparazzi following her everywhere and the media frenzy that will ensue when they find out. Don’t look at me like that.
Tom was getting heated. Bill could see the color rising in his throat.
“When are you going to stop letting the paparazzi rule our lives?” Tom almost spat the last part out. He stood up and stomped out of the bus.
“YOU reason with him. Good effing luck!” He heard him shout as he stomped out of the bus.
Bill sighed and sat back. He woke up in a good mood despite tossing restlessly after his conversation with Jessi. He knew he had made the right decision, despite his feelings for her. It wasn't easy watching her face fall. It was even harder not to blurt out that he was madly in love with her and then smother her beautiful little mouth with kisses and apologies. But he knew he had to protect her.
“Good morning,” he heard Jessi timidly say. She was blushing again. He loved when the blood pooled across her cheeks. Her green eyes always stood out like beacons of beauty against the coloring when she blushed. For a moment his mind went blank.
“Morning!” He chirped back and jumped up. He was hyper and he wasn’t going to let this put a damper on his day.
“I brought you coffee.” She was trying not to be awkward, but was failing miserably.
“Perfect. Want to go to lunch with me today?” Word vomit. He had a bad habit of saying too much, all the time.
“Um, I have to bring you lunch anyways…” She was looking at him bewildered by his question.
“No, I mean instead of bringing me pizza today, I want you and I to go to lunch.”
He said it slowly, so she would know he was being serious.
“Ok. Sure. Um, about yesterday, I am really so-
He started to feel guilty. He could see embarrassment flash across her features as she stuttered through an apology about making him feel uncomfortable and that she meant nothing by it and that she was perfectly capable of being just friends.
“Jessi. It is just lunch. I have some idea's I need you to put down for me. Want some cinnamon sugar toast?” He popped up from his seat and started crunching on his favorite snack.
“I think I am fine. You crack me up. I am pouring my heart out to you and you are…eating toast.” She was shaking her head laughing, and he couldn’t help but laugh back through his mouthful of toast.
Then they were both laughing.
“Ok, lets go take some pictures of my beautiful face,” he giggled as he rolled his eyes at her.
He bit his lower lip before he could blurt out his true feelings.