Thursday, September 30, 2010

Don't try to reason with me I want it.

I almost bought a Midget that looked very similar to this one but was in forest green two years ago for $3,000.00


Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Bills Assistant Part IV

This is ridiculous. The last thing I need is an assistant, a female one at that. Not only will I have to worry about the media uproar about another woman on the team, but I am going to have to keep Tom from sleeping with her too.
Bill was carefully folding his laundry when Tom came in and thumped down on the bed. Bill didn't need to look up from the careful organization of his socks to know what he wanted.
"This is ridiculous." He sighed.
Tom just raised his eyebrows. Communication was rarely necessary anymore. Tom wasn't going to let Bill stay inside today and organize his tour bags for the third day in a row. They had an appointment with Maggie-the-record-beyo*ch-from-h3ll and they couldn't miss it. The company wanted them to have an assistant, one they had been training to send with them on tour for months. Word from the opening band was she was super hot and twice as shy. Which is why Tom wanted her for Bill. It was time for a woman in their lives. He was tired of listening to Bill preach about true love and hide away from girls in his hotel room. He knew what his brother yearned for and a female assistant was exactly the trick he needed. He would ensure they grew close if he had to lock them in the tour bus himself.
"Common little brother. it's time to go meet our new broad."
I don't want to. This is ridiculous.
"We don't have a choice remember? If we are going to take on more executive roles in the production of the tour then we need an assistant. So lets go." Tom gently touched Bills shoulder.
Slouching in defeat Bill threw a scarf around his shoulders and sauntered down stairs.
Tom wasn't disappointed by what he saw when he walked up to Jessi's desk. She was staring intently at her computer screen with a concentrated little furrow between her eyes. Wow did she have some eyes. Deep jade green hues were lined by dark lashes. She had small but pouty lips that were slightly swollen from her constant lip biting. Long copper hair tumbled down her back covering what looked like ample curves. Hard to tell since she was sitting down.
Tom could tell that Bill was just as aroused by her appearance as he was, and smiled as Bill cleared his throat.
"Um, excuse me?" Bill was using his soft voice. "Yes, I was just wondering how to find the bathroom?"
Really little brother? Where is the bathroom? I need to teach you how to hit on a woman.
I don't need your man-wh*re advice. I am not sleeping with my assistant!
Hahaha, famous last words!

Bill elbowed Tom before the girl stepped out from behind the counter. She had said something and he missed it because of his twinnish inner monologue. However, he did not miss her long shapely legs and fabulous a*s as she led him down the hallway. She had on some fierce Alexander McQueen shoes as well. The Mui Mui dress wasn't even released in stores yet. Hot and a sense of fashion. This girl spelled trouble already.
That is the hottest arse I have ever seen. Tom was already trying to push into his thoughts, but Bill ignored him.
"So what is your name?"
We already know her name you idiot. She has a name tag sitting on her perfectly rotund right breast. Tell me you at least noticed she had breasts?
You are making her uncomfortable. Stop looking at her like she is a piece of meat
"“Je-essi. Yea, my name is Jessi. Yours?” Bills heart stopped when she flashed a dazzling smile and blushed. She was staring intently at her feet.
“Oh. How nice. So you are twins then?” She was trying to make small talk, but Bill could tell she was uncomfortable. Her flaming cheeks gave her away.
Tom, you are scaring her. Stop looking at her cleavage!

“Yes, we are.” Bill was hoping a genuine smile would put her at ease.
“I am his older brother by ten minutes." If Bill had a euro for every time Tom mentioned this during introductions, they wouldn't have to produce any more records.
“Lucky you because it looks to me like your little brother is a foot taller." The blush was creeping back up her throat as she defiantly stared at Tom. Beauty and wit...this girl was already catching Bill's attention.
Bill looked down from the look he exchanged with Tom just in time to see the corner of her McQueen heel hook a loose thread in the rug, she fell right into his arms.
“Whoa there,” the sweet smell of her intoxicated his senses, “are you okay?”
See she is already putty in your arms
OMG please shut your face.

“I am so sorry! I tell you, they just don’t make shoes like they used too, ha.” She was the color of roses and all Bill could think about was how much he wanted to smooth the hair out of her face and drink in her perfumed skin.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to take you out.”
Should I tell her how much you loved it?
I won't think twice about throwing paint on your precious hats.

“No problem, um, are you new? I haven’t met you here before.” Bill was hoping she hadn't noticed him and Tom's internal discussions. It tended to freak people out.
“Yes, I am Maggie Wilbright’s new assistant. I just moved here from the U.S. and let me tell you it is so much colder here!” She was so cute when she smiled through her eyelashes.
“Oh wow, that must have been huge for you, what brought you all the way to Germany?” Bill instantly regretted asking this as pain flitted across her features.
“Well, uh, there were some things going on at home and I just have always wanted to come to Europe so when I found this job I jumped at the opportunity. It’s kind of hard being so far away from everyone I love and know though. So far however, I really like it here.” Were those tears in her eyes? What had he done...she was staring at her feet now. He had to make this better. He hated how the pain twisted her lovely features.
“Wow, well, if you would like I could show you around sometime. Maybe tonight? Where do you live?”
Dude. We haven't even met with Maggie yet. What are you doing? Bill ignored his twins internal chatter and waited for her answer.
“That would be so great, I haven’t met anyone and I really only know how to get from here to my house and the grocery store, ha, so yea, that would be so great, thank you.” When she smiled, her green eyes twinkled. It was like an earthy kaleidoscope of warmth.

“Where do you live?”

Bill's Assistant

Every Grad student needs a hobby that has NOTHING to do with their research. I have about ten. Here is my latest and greatest addition to my crazy-I-don't-wanna-study-activities.
I decided to join the world of fan-fiction writing. In part because I am a NUT JOB, but also because I don't want to study. I have been getting pretty depressed because of Soil Chemistry, so this is the little world I escape into:

Bill's Assistant

I hate shifting into second gear. It’s fit just right so that I always shift into fourth making me look like a total ass when my car starts lugging through the intersection.

No amount of bass is going to make me look cool now. Like anyone in this town knows who I am anyways. I’ve been living and working here for six months and so far I have gotten three people at work to say hello, and I am pretty sure they were talking to the people on their cell phones.

Don’t get me wrong, the people here are nice, but I work in the entertainment industry so everyone is 1) unbelievably beautiful and 2) unbelievably fake.

I’m not terrible looking myself, but these people are perfect. I don’t stand a chance. Thus, I have turned into an unwilling wallflower who gets coffee and answers the phones. I hastily pull into my snowy parking spot, turn off the car and juggle the three coffees, my purse, lunch and a bagel toasted just right with butter through the double glass doors. I barely sit down at my desk when I hear her.

“Jessi!” Oh hark, I hear a bitch.

“Double cappachino, iced, blended with –“

“- a double shot of baileys, I already got it Maggie. It’s on your desk.” That’s my boss. She is insanely bitchy and of course, drop-dead gorgeous. She has lips that look like they are filled with collagen, but they are totally natural. Bitch. Her short bobbed hair floats like silk around her perfectly pale face. Her almond shaped blue eyes remind me of someone who should be baking cookies all day, except that she has the voice of a drill sargeant and the expectations of Mariah Carey. My first week with her was hell, I was sure I was going to get fired based solely on the fact that all she did was glare at me until I assumed what she wanted. It was like I was supposed to read her fucking mind. Turns out, she really loves me, she just has a masochistic way of showing it.

“Fuck your good.”

“I know.” I winked and sat back down to stare at her appointment book and answer the phones. Surprisingly she is the only person who gives me the time of day. Most people would be stoked to have my position. After all I see famous, gorgeous models and rock stars all day long. Except, they never say hello and have no idea that I exist. To me it’s more like being stuck in a glass box where you can see and hear everyone around you, but to them you don’t exist. I contemplated getting fake boobs, a nose job and my lips done, but then I realized I had integrity, and that they probably still wouldn’t look at me. Well, the groupie loving rock stars might…but I am not interested in letting some drugged out has been do blow off my ass crack. So, I get the bitch her coffee, and answer the phones.

“Hello, Amazing Music, how can I help you, this is Je –“

“Maggie! Where the fuck have you been all my life, let me tell you I have a kid that is going to BLOW YOUR SOCKS OFF!” I knew this asshole. He does this every time. Chris White never even bothers to ask me to transfer him, he just starts fucking talking away until I figure out who he is, transfer him to Maggie and fill her in on what she’s missed, which is essentially the same thing every time – he found the next boy wonder and wants her to come see a gig.

“Maggie, it’s your favorite asshole on line two.”

“Fuck me, patch him through. I need a fucking paperclip, what the fuck do I have to do to get you to keep my paperclips supplied?”

“They are in your top drawer. Here he is.” See what I mean? I have to be two steps ahead of her all the time. That could have been the end of my career, over a fucking paperclip. You should have seen her reaction when she lost her car keys, it was like I fucking hid them in her gigantic-way-to-expensive-cow-killing-purse. I swear there are like children lost in that thing. Missing a loved one? Check the bitch’s purse. I am so lost in my little world that I barely notice there are people standing in front of my desk.

“Um, excuse me?” A soft voice says. I look up at not one, but two identical pairs of hazel eyes and twinkling smiles. Good lord they are tall, dark and beyond handsome.

“Hi, welcome to Amazing Music, how can I help you?” Maintain eye contact you idiot someone is actually acknowledging you exist! And they are hot, good lord they are twins to boot! Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

“-yes, I was just wondering how to find the bathroom?” Of course. Hottie had to pee, and who else would he ask but me, the lowly phone girl. Lovely.

“Right this way.” Please don’t look at my panty lines, good lord why the hell would I wear these ginormous panties on the ONE day that a hot guy is going to actually take notice of my existence?? I could feel the warmth spreading across my cheeks. Maybe if I didn’t make eye contact he wouldn’t remember my face - who am I kidding, no one ever remembers my face!

“So what is your name?” Hot boy toy number one is drilling his eyes into my head. He is freakishly tall, styled to the nines in a leather jacket and has on so many necklaces that everytime he blinks a small chorus chimes around him. He is wearing a lot of make-up, but surprisingly he looks beautiful and handsome all at the same time. What was he asking me? My name? What is my name? Oh lord, I have a name, it’s uh, it’s uh…

“Je-essi. Yea, my name is Jessi. Yours?” Brilliant, dazzle him with your wit and charm.

“My name is Bill, and this is Tom.”

He nods to his slightly shorter twin who is obviously imagining me naked in the elevator. Don’t get me wrong, Tom is hot with his dark corn rows, perfect little nose and totally kissable lips, but I can spot a player from a mile away. This boy knows how to get a woman, and I am a wallflower. I am a wallflower, I am a wallflower, I am a wallflower. I choose to keep my eyes on Bill. Bill isn’t undressing me with his eyes or playing with his lip ring in a suggestive manner. Bill needs to be taking his clothes off though, good heavens he is hot! I am struggling to remember that I came here to escape all men in general. I figured if I can’t speak the native language then I can’t find boyfriends and get my heart ripped out of my chest again. Stop thinking and say something back…

“Oh. How nice. So you are twins then?” Another startling discovery is made by the wonder woman receptionist (me) at Amazing Music. How do they find such brilliant employees here?

“Yes, we are.” Bill has the most dazzling smile I have ever seen. I can’t stop staring at how cute his teeth are…how can someone’s teeth be so cute?

“I am his older brother by ten minutes,” Tom tells me through his eyelashes. There he goes with the lip ring again. Good grief. Down boy! I am not a rock band fuck bunny!

“Lucky you because it looks to me like your little brother is a foot taller,” Zing! I win. Take that Mr. Snarky pants, I have wit and I know how to use it!

Bill smiles at this, and raises his eyebrows at Tom. We round the hallway and I start to point towards the gold doors at the end, but right as I start to tell them where to go, my stupid paid-too-much-for-them-high-heels catch on the hallway rug and down I go. As I start my mortifying decent I notice that not only am I falling, but I am falling right into Bills legs, and I am mere seconds from head butting his –

“Whoa there,” Bill says as he grips my arms. There is no mistaking his laughing smile, or that my face is the color of spaghetti sauce, “are you okay?”

“I am so sorry! I tell you, they just don’t make shoes like they used too, ha.” Embarrassing. I should have stayed a wallflower. We need to hire someone to show people where the bathrooms are because I am apparently unfit for the position.

I start to stand myself up with Bills help and stand straight up into his arms. Yikes. Dangerously and awkwardly close to his face –wait, is he concerned? Why isn’t he laughing? His brother sure is. Bastard.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to take you out.” I stutter as I brush off my knees.

“No problem, um, are you new? I haven’t met you here before.” He is so cute. Wait, I am supposed to respond now huh?

“Yes, I am Maggie Wilbright’s new assistant. I just moved here from the U.S. and let me tell you it is so much colder here!” Haha, not funny. Moving on.

“Oh wow, that must have been huge for you, what brought you all the way to Germany?” If I focus on his mouth it’s so much easier to formulate sentences…

“Well, uh, there were some things going on at home and I just have always wanted to come to Europe so when I found this job I jumped at the opportunity. It’s kind of hard being so far away from everyone I love and know though. So far however, I really like it here.” Don’t start crying you baby! He was just asking a harmless question.

“Wow, well, if you would like I could show you around sometime. Maybe tonight? Where do you live?” His eyes take on a knowing look, like he understands my pain. He has no idea. Wait. Oh.My.God. Did this angel just ask to show me around?

“That would be so great, I haven’t met anyone and I really only know how to get from here to my house and the grocery store, ha, so yea, that would be so great, thank you.” Babble, babble, head nod and smile. Well done genius.

“Where do you live?”

After I exchanged directions with him and left him to his bathroom business I was all giddy until I realized HE WAS GOING TO COME TO MY HOUSE IN THREE HOURS. Oh geez, what was I thinking? I have to find something to wear, I mean we are talking ROCKSTAR status! Should I just open the door in a teddy and boots? What do you wear on a date with a rockstar? Is this a date or is he really that nice?

Of course. Now I get it. How sad, he just wants to fuck me. I know better. Ugh. I trudge through the rest of the afternoon and drive grudgingly home. I pick out the simplest t-shirt and jeans and prepare my rejections to his advances. I was so stupid to think that he wanted to show me around, I am so naïve. I kick myself for feeling excited when I hear him knock at the door. Here goes disappointment.


When I pull open the door I am met by two very tall men, neither of which are Bill or Tom. I recoil behind the door until one of them reaches out a hand and offers to escort me to the car, he introduces himself as a member of the Kaulitz Security Team. I peek around them and see two large black SUV’s parked in my driveway. It dawns on me that Bill is probably inside and that its not safe for him to just walk up to the door, duh. So with one hand clutching my purse and the other linked with the tall Russian accented bodyguard I head to the vehicles. I slip and slide on the icy walk while they glide with ease, half carrying my pathetic-ness.

Feeling like a small child as I am deposited in the backseat, I sheepishly look around and have a half-hearted freak out when I realize the vehicle is empty. I start to protest as they pull into the street when the broad shouldered Russian in the front seat peers around and says, “We are meeting Bill at an undisclosed location due to security reasons. He apologizes for the inconvenience.”

I nod and thank him. I am almost completely silent as they deftly maneuver the village streets. I occupy myself by watching the snowflakes melt on the windows of the SUV. The plus side is that Bill wasn’t there to watch me slip and slide on the icy sidewalk. The bad news was that the ‘undisclosed location,’ was probably a motel room with wine and a horny rockstar. Ugh. I am such an idiot. Or worse, they are taking me into the vast wilderness to dump my body…

I am jolted into awareness as my door is wrenched open and I am met by screaming girls and camera flashes.

“ARE YOU BILL KAULITZ’s girlfriend?!”




Cameras are shoved in my face, along with an array of small handheld recording devices. I am starting to look wildly around when hands are grabbing at my arms and I am hauled under an umbrella between the two bodyguards into a hotel lobby. Before I can even say anything I am pulled through a side door into a quiet stair well. The heavy sound of the door closing behind me makes my head snap up. I am about to ask what just happened when I hear a soft voice to my right.

“Sorry about that.”

I look toward the stairwell corner and see Bill. He’s changed into a red and black flannel shirt, tight jeans and a belt with a large buckle. He only has a giant black cross around his neck and he’s wearing a beanie. I am still too startled to really say anything. I just kind of nod as the pod of security around me and him doubles and we start ascending the staircase. I realize I don’t even know where we are. I have no clue what kind of building we are in or where we are going. I can smell the soft mixture of mint and cigarettes.

“I see that you met the paparazzi. I apologize. I was hoping that my meeting with you would be quiet, but it’s hard to leave my house without being followed by the craziness you saw outside. They must have followed the security team I sent for you.” Bill says to his feet as we walk up the stairs.

“It’s ok…I didn’t realize I was such a celebrity.” I am trying to lighten the mood but quite frankly, I wasn’t prepared for that kind of a welcome and I think it is obvious by my trembling knees and shaky words that I am totally freaked out by what just happened.

I realize that Tom isn’t with us, and that Bill’s demeanor is completely different from the light airiness he had when I met him earlier in the day. He is tense, almost nervous. He is quiet and he barely looks up from the floor as we walk up the stairs. He isn’t chatty and I don’t sense the same confidence I sensed earlier in the day.

“So where are we headed to?” I should probably know why I am walking up nine flights of stairs with eleven people in black suits and a nervous rockstar.

“I have a helicopter on the rooftop. I wanted to take you up and show you my favorite parts of the city. As you can see by your less than quiet welcome, I can’t move around the city very easily on the ground. You don’t get motion sickness, do you?”

Holy moley. Did he just say he was showing me the city…in a HELICOPTER? I was expecting a window view from a high rise hotel room and an attempt at getting in my pants but not a private helicopter ride and a personal tour!

“Um, no not usually. Wow, that is really nice of you. I hope you didn’t have to go through too much trouble. And don’t worry about all that nonsense outside, the paparazzi follow me ALL the time. You know, being Maggie’s assistant is an astute position...” I trail off when I don’t get a smile. He seems completely withdrawn and depressed.

“Are you ok?” I ask him, I want to reach out and touch his forearm but I figure that is probably a bit forward and if I try to touch him one of his massive guards might bust a ninja move or something.

“Yes, sorry, I just get very nervous when my security team has to take drastic measures like that. I get threats everyday, and having crowds like that around makes me worry.” He half-heartedly smiles at me through a sideways glance. I can see that he is genuinely shaken up.

“Don’t worry Bill, I am a member of the secret ninja society and I am fully capable of biting the ankles of anyone who messes with you.”

This gets a breath taking smile and an eye twinkle leaving me wobbling up the last few steps.

As Bill starts to reply the giant Russian guy whose name is apparently Alex pulls open a door and I am hit by the cold air from the rooftop. The airflow from the helicopter has Bill holding his hat on as his team escorts us into the backseats of the chopper. I am buckled in by his security team, again making me feel like a helpless child, and the doors are closed around us. As the helicopter is lifted from the platform I find myself alone inside with Bill and the two pilots.

There is an almost instant lift in his mood as we ascend from the building and start slowly circling the city lights.

“The city is best viewed when the sun is going down, the street lights bring out a romantic glow don’t they?” Bill is half smiling, half staring into my soul as he points to the left hand side of the chopper.

“Wow. This is amazing. I definitely did not expect this kind of a tour. To be honest, I figured you would email me a map and wish me luck. Ha.”

Bill’s eyes have that confident twinkle back in as he shifts in his seat and leans forward on his knees. Our thighs are nanometers from touching in the tiny cabin, but he keeps a respectful distance. He finally seems at ease.

“I wanted to show you the beauty of my home. I didn’t want a thousand cameras shoved in your face while I did that. I can take you to amazing parties, and show you the clubs and the best places to eat, but what better way to show you the magic of the city than from the air?” His face goes from half smiling to half serious when he says this.

I suddenly want to touch his face and pull myself upright in my chair to keep from doing it. I am pretty sure if I touched him he would shove me out of the chopper at this point. I just can’t figure out why he is going through this kind of trouble. Upon digging up his file in Maggie’s office earlier I discerned that he is already signed into a record deal, so he certainly doesn’t need to sleep with me to get to Maggie.

“You said you moved here from the states?” His inquisitive eyes are probing mine.

“Yes, just a few months ago, I moved here to be Maggie’s assistant.”

“Yes, I have heard a lot about you. She recommended you to me.” He turns away and looks out the window for a moment.

“I’m sorry, she ‘recommended me’? I don’t follow. Recommended me to get you coffee? Or?” Why would Maggie recommend I take a city line chopper ride with you, you gorgeous, gorgeous man?? I just might kiss her for this…maybe she realized how badly I need to get laid.

“I have been looking for an assistant. Preferrably one for both my brother and I’s affairs. Also, one he won’t end up fucking.” He turns and stares at me with serious eyes which extinguishes the giggle rising in my throat.

“Oh, I see. Um. Maggie wants me to work for you?” My chest tightens as I realize he isn’t trying to fuck me, he doesn’t find me attractive, AT ALL. In fact, I was specifically chosen because apparently I am so unattractive his brother wouldn’t even try to fuck me. Fabulous. Thank you for the compliment, Mr. Handsome-Rockstar.

He continues on not noticing the disgruntled look crossing my face.

“You will be generously compensated for your time at twice the rate that Maggie pays you, and all of your travel will be covered. A charge card for your personal expenses will be billed to me. Are you interested?”

My head was reeling. Maggie was hiring me out? Why hadn’t she told me about this? Go on tour? Couldn’t we go back to the romantic city tour now? Twice the pay sounded pretty good…what did I have to lose? Besides, who would turn down an opportunity to go on tour with a rockstar?!

“This sounds like an amazing opportunity, and I would love to accept, but I need to speak with Maggie about this first. Can I give you my official acceptance after I check with her? She never mentioned anything about this to me, and she is my first priority.”

He was looking at me with a newfound appreciation and nodded.

“Of course, that would be fine. I will have my people contact you tomorrow. How about we finish this tour and get some dinner?”

“I thought you would never ask!”


The flight to his house was quick. The twins had a large estate in the countryside and a personal chef. I found out they were vegetarians and astute animal rights activists. While I tended to be moderate and enjoy the occasional burger, I didn’t really mind their stance on things. I kind of found it sexy that they were using their celebrity status for a good cause. Dinner was a delicious pasta dish followed by a few glasses of wine on a balcony overlooking the rolling countryside. I was entertained by their dogs who fully won my heart. I have always been an animal lover and bragged in my drunkenness about my bachelor degree in animal science, and gained a few laughs from the boys when I told them how incredibly worthless my degree was now that I was in the music industry.

“We don’t miss school at all, but good for you for making it through college.” Bill was relaxed now. It was easy to see that he felt complete once Tom was around.

“The only time I enjoy school is when I have a catholic schoolgirl in my room.” Tom winked at Bill as he took a sip of wine.

“I didn’t realize that blow up dolls counted as real women Tom.”

Bill started laughing with me as Tom leaned forward in agitation.

“You will see, when you are on the road with me that I don’t have a need for blow up dolls.”

“I would rather not know about your personal exploits Mr. Kaulitz. I imagine I will have my hands full taking care of your other needs.” I giggled and sipped at my wine.

It was getting late and it was about time for me to head back. I had enjoyed an amazing evening with them, but I had work in the morning and Maggie waited for no one.

“Alright boys, this has been an incredible evening but now I must be getting back to my boring little townhouse. I have a job to quit tomorrow and I need my beauty sleep.”

“No problem. Let me call Allan, he will fly you home.” Bill said distractedly as he started dialing. He tended to pace when he was on the phone. I couldn’t help but notice the warm flush in his face from the wine. If he was going to be my future boss I was going to have to learn to not notice how his lips looked deliciously soft and alluring, or how his wine flush was lighting up his cheeks and making his neck look inviting...I was already in love with the soft smell of mint cigarettes that hugged the air around him. Most people hated cigarette smoke, but as a former addict I loved the high I got from other peoples addiction. It had been three years since my last cigarette, and I was hoping hanging around these deluctable boys wouldn’t make me want to start smoking again.

Bill snapped his phone closed and stood up in unison with Tom. It was creepy how they never actually communicated out loud at times. I followed them, stumbling in my happily buzzed state.

“Thank you boys for a delightful evening, I really appreciate the time to get to know you before I have to spend months on a tour bus with Tom in his tighty whities.”

Bill chuckled as he opened the giant oak doors that led to the front lawn.

“If you’re a good girl maybe I will wear my leopard g-string for you.” Tom’s quip caught me mid-sip and I spit wine across the front step as we were walking towards the helicopter pad.

“You will do no such thing Mr. Kaulitz! Unless you want me to parade around in my giant grandma panties.”

“As long as you’re walking around in your panties…”

“Oh my goodness, you are ridiculous. There will be no showing of any panties!” I was giggling at this point, one hand on my now empty wine glass and the other covering my mouth.

Bill cast a stern look at his brother as he stopped at the foot of the driveway. He couldn’t help but chuckle when he turned to me and saw that I was flaming red from the panty talk.

“I look forward to getting your official acceptance tomorrow. Have a safe trip home and thank you for joining us tonight. We have enjoyed your company.” Bill leaned forward and wrapped me in a semi-awkward hug. I got a little caught up in the smell of him and wobbled a bit as he let me go.

“Thank you boys, I appreciate it. I will talk to you tomorrow morning after I chat with Maggie.” I stiffly extended a hand to Tom, who slapped it to the side and wrapped me into a slightly inappropriate full body hug. I was hoping his cologne wouldn’t drown out the smell of Bill that was clinging to my sweater.

I pushed out of Tom’s inappropriate embrace with a forced smile and stumbled awkwardly toward the helicopter pad. As I got buckled in and we ascended into the air, I watched the twins walk up the steps and disappear into their home. I let my head fall back against the headrest and stared at the ceiling. Tomorrow I am quitting my job and going on tour with two gorgeous TWIN rockstars. As my buzz dissipitated and reality took over, my mind started racing with questions. How am I going to keep my feelings at bay for Bill? How am I going to keep Tom out of my pants? More importantly, how will Maggie react to the news? I fell asleep to the sound of the propellers and the smell of menthol cigarettes.


“You would be a f**king idiot to say no.” Maggie was shaking her iced whiskey glass at me pacing in her office.

“I, um, really appreciate the opportunities I’ve had here- ’’

“So did you f**k him or what?”

Her question caught me completely off guard. The smell of menthol cigarettes invaded my memory as I let my mind go blank for a moment. The idea of shagging Bill was glorious. I could see his smouldering hazel eyes in my mind…

“It’s not a f**king trivia question. Yes or no? Did you or did you not sleep with one of the twins?” Maggie was trying to look nonchalant but I could tell she had already assumed the job offer was because of a skyrise blowjob.

“No, NO, I would never do something like that! They didn’t even try.” I was trying to look earnest in hopes that she wouldn’t see how disappointed I was that Bill wasn’t remotely interested in me.

I could see Maggie relax at my statement. Relief clouded her features and warmed her steely eyes.

“Good. I recommended you because I knew you wouldn’t do that kind of thing. This is a big opportunity for you. If you f**k it up it will be a bad reflection on me.” She finished by pointing her whiskey glass at me.

Great, no pressure or anything. At least I won’t have to wear these ridiculous high heels anymore. I had already decided to dress as plainly as possible so no one would ever notice me. Plus, I didn’t want to fall into Bill’s crotch again.

The rest of the day seemed to crawl by. Bill’s management contacted me and I had to meet with a legal representative to sign nondisclosure contracts, and about nine gazillion other I-promise-to-never-tell-a-soul contracts. I was signed onto credit cards, bank accounts and questioned by the Spanish inquisition about my background, which apparently they had already ran a check on. These people weren’t messing around.

I found out I was to leave tomorrow, leaving me very little time to pack. At promptly 9PM tonight a car would be picking me up for the friends and family dinner the twins were throwing at their abode. I was really nervous about going, not because I was going to be surrounded by insanely gorgeous famous people, but because Bill had an outfit sent over for me to wear - which included 6” heels - so much for dressing plainly.

The car arrived to pick me up an hour earlier than planned, leaving the driver sitting on my couch while I ran around with one fake eyelash on, half a suitcase packed and tripping over every rug in my house.

“Mr. Kaulitz needs us to pick up a list of items so he sent me over early.” I was convinced they sent the most pompous prick they could find to pick me up. He kept clearing his throat and making mention of the time until I finally threw open my bedroom door in my underwear and told him it would be another ten minutes and he would just have to deal with it. I did a quick once over in front of the mirror, decided I looked like I was walking with a broom shoved up my a*s in these heels and announced that I was finally ready to leave. I tried not to notice the driver’s expression when he saw how ridiculous the dress was that Bill had sent over. It was a size too small and every womanly curve I had was bulging in a desperate escape to be free. The low cut neckline showed entirely too much cleavage and the elastic body and cutout waist left me feeling like a tramp. I decided I wouldn’t bend over or sit down at the party and possibly use a fake name during introductions.

The list turned out to be that we needed to pick up two outfits from the drycleaner, which were apparently for the tour. We pulled into the twin’s driveway as the caterer was finishing set-up. As I was attempting to balance my heels in the driveway gravel I heard members of Bill’s management team exclaiming my name.

“DARLING –what’s her name? Jessi? Right, JACKIE, darling! We thought you would never arrive!” A willowy gay man was rushing forward and fretting with a list. He hastily pulled the outfits out of my hands and starting ushering, rather, pushing me up the steps. I all but clung to his neck to keep from falling in my heels.

“Bill is upstairs, we need you to bring him a drink, a snack and field all phone calls from guests. You were supposed to be here forty five minutes ago.” He was tsking as he lead me to a stairwell and half-hazardly pointed to the second level, swiftly turned on his heel and stomped away muttering to himself about potatoes.

I wobbled my way up the stairs by leaning on the banister and followed the hallway to two giant black wooden doors. I timidly knocked and pushed the door ajar.

“Bill?” I sidestepped into the room through the door and heard a rustle in the bathroom.

“Just a second!” I could hear him moving things around the counter top and cursing to himself. A blonde woman stepped out with a small suitcase of make-up and swept past me with her eyes to the floor. As she walked by I saw that she had a phone balanced between her ear and her shoulder.

“Wow.” I looked up to see him starring at me in disbelief.

“Uh, yeah, it’s kinda my first time wearing false eyelashes…too much?” I shifted uncomfortably and caught myself biting my lower lip.

“No, I just, you look amazing.” He looked me once over and then turned towards a closet and started rustling through jackets.

“I told Tom to send you an outfit that would help you blend in with the guests tonight and he went a bit far. I didn’t meant to have him send you something so incredibly sexy.”

Now I was blushing. I will not have sex with my boss, I will not have sex with my boss.

Then he was one foot from my face and turning in a circle.

“Does this jacket look ok?”

My breath caught in my throat as he spun a slow circle in front of me. He had his hair styled in a tall Mohawk, tight jean-slack pants on, a long sleeve button up shirt the color of midnight and twenty chains dangling from his neck. The jacket was made of fake leather. His eyes were rimmed with a dark gray smoky eyeliner and he looked delicious.

“Yes.” That was literally all I could choke out. I just stood there wide-eyed, trying not to fall on my face and clutching a notepad of paper. The smell of sweet cologne wafted through the air as the door opened behind me.

“You’re a*s looks amazing in that dress.” Tom flashed me a dazzling smile and walked forward as if to hug me. In fear that I would fall over I shoved my notebook at him.

“Tom Kaulitz, I will slap you with this notebook if you touch me. You could not have sent me a dress that covered less!” I was half laughing out of terror that my ankle would wobble in these heels. I had decided my main goal was to stand still as long as possible. Maybe I could just hide in the bathroom all night.

“Don’t you look especially dazzling tonight.” Bill scoffed as he threw a pack of cigarettes to Tom who swiftly tucked them in his front pants pocket. Tom had a black bandana tied around his forehead, baggy jeans and a D-squared shirt and custom fit jacket on. I would be lying if I said he didn’t look amazing.

But it was Bill who took my breath away when he let out a soft giggle and walked up to me, placed his hands on my shoulders and looked me square in the eyes.

I held my breath to keep from hyperventilating as his gaze leveled with mine.

“Jessi – ’’ I was staring at his lips a mere inch from mine, smelling the menthol from his breath and trying to keep from closing my eyes and leaning in closer.

“ –your dress is on inside out.”

Sunday, September 26, 2010

I like popcorn and bedazzlers.

Erm. There isn't much to say after you've shared something like this with someone. Other than, um, wanna be my friend? Cause if you do, you should TOTALLY come over tonight and we can watch The Last Unicorn together and like, eat Little Debbie cakes or something.

*shifts uncomfortably*

I like popcorn?

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Meant to be.

He changed too.
He left his friends
he stopped being fun
the passion caught him up
so he took it for a run

but after all was said
after all was done
they burnt that house
and extinguished the fun

and now they pile up the ashes
and they're sorting through the ruins
of what was supposed to be forever
to find the meaning in themselves
and put themselves back together

they move on but never forget
the passion that took them
the madness that shook them
the fear turns into anger
because loves a rusty derringer

and as it turns out
this wasn't love at all
just two young kids
who had to learn to fall.

So you learn your lessons
and you give back your keys
and you mature into the people
that you are meant to be.

I like this song because it applies to so much of my life right now. I have slowly been rebuilding myself to the girl I once was. I kind of let her go, kinda squished her deep down into nothing. I got caught up in a relationship that lasted for far too long. Was it a mistake? NO WAY. Will I ever do that to myself again? Not a chance. I learned an important life lesson and when I get back to the girl I know I can be, I am going to stick to my guns. I won't change myself for anyone. While it is important to compromise on life decisions when you are in a relationship, you should never compromise who you are.
SoI dedicate today to happiness and to being yourself.

"Be so happy that when others look at you, they too become happy."

Friday, September 17, 2010

More rambling from a dork with too much time on her hands.

Behold my new favorite song, which is actually an old favorite song with a really awesome-makes-me-wanna-run-like-a-demon-is-chasing-me twist.

It came on my Marilyn Manson Pandora station at the gym, and I totally started singing along and bouncing my head. Then the other two people who were running on the track started laughing and giving me a thumbs up. Cause they know whats up. They are down with the 411. They know I am the freaking shizznizzle.
Or something.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Do the TWIST.

I just did the mashed potato in my living room, right after I jumped on the couch and played the air piano.

Cause I am a closet rock star!! *rock hands* \m/ \m/

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

I'll be anything
and everything you've ever dreamed
just tell me what you want
and what you need me to be

but changing who you are
doesn't do a thing for me
because in the end
you're not the person I need

so be true to yourself
don't present a falsado
because I love your differences
and I need your bravado

I'm searching for a truth
that I cannot find
I research all you've said
but I'm still blind

and for the life of me
I'll never understand
why you made up a persona
because who you are isn't bland

so don't mold your answers
and don't play with me
honesty is the best perception
of who I want you to be

I'll take the blackness
I'll feed your disease
I'll take all that you are
if you'll give it to me

I'll drink your poison
and bathe in your wine
just as long as what
you feed me isn't another line

because who you are is beautiful
who you are is surreal
and when I glimpse your reality
is when I begin to truly feel.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Things I don't need but have to have to survive.

I just bought this awesome epic and amazing hat. Cause I am the coolest person on the planet and therefore can be the only person with cool hats.

You can bow to me now. I know, I am a pretty big deal.


Like seriously. I need it.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Sometimes I forget how AWESOME The Offspring are until I am searching Youtube for their songs and then I find them and then I am bobbing my head and tapping my foot...then wanting to go run at full speed for three miles until I die.

Lalala The Offspring Lalalalalala


You know, I was a little down the last half of the day, but life's too short to be sad. So I found a song that makes me happy cause it reminds me of an important person in my life! I got my favorite nickname from him about six years ago...

Now smile kiddo's cause even when you're bummed out about something, there is someone out there who loves your smile!
It's easy to get consumed in self doubt, but remember, you made it this far for a reason. That's the message here:

There's a monster in my head
and she's tearing her way out
clawing at my insecurities
and ripping open all my doubt

Her green eyes are haunting me
she's jealous and enraged
and the longer I ignore the pain
the more she's engaged.

So pull the pin
and let her loose
she's coming out
I'm bulletproof.

I tell myself
that I'm just fine
hold your head high
because you're so divine.

But the monster
she eats my brain
she clouds my thoughts
rearranges whats sane.

and I become something I'm not
when I let her win and take what I got

so hold the reigns
don't devastate me
leash your beast
and levitate me.

Hold onto your sanity girl
you know what you can be
be confident in who you are
and let your brilliance be free.
...and in her eyes, heart and mind
one thought, its kept her blind,
and so she walked on through her days
not knowing that it was all a maze.

A trap the keepers
make to blind you
a path the known
uses to find you.

Some say the futures made of the past
and the years feel slow but fly by fast
so build yourself a happy bubble
and pray it keeps you out of trouble.

If you let
life take your all
you are destined
but to fall.
Fickle fiction let it rot
mold and mud see what its got
nothing left to hold together
see I told you nothings forever!

Busy body feel my fury
see you scuttle trip and scurry
nothing is what it seems
so keep your thoughts off my dreams

So I want it for my own
but you can't force a home
remember to last forever
you have to build everything together.

Just a silly bad day poem for the pessimist in us all...

Sometimes we have bad days, today wasn't the worst day I have ever had, but it was disappointing, so I wrote this poem to capture that washed up feeling you have when you've had a bad day.

This kinda day
really wears me out
leaves me spinnin' my wheels
wonderin' what life's about.

And how can
so much go wrong
and why was I
so blind for so long?

I remember every fail
and I cannot find
a reason to be proud
and it messes with my mind.

Tears at my confidence
pulls down my defenses
until tears are all that
are left of my senses.

Tomorrow will be better
and I won't be so blue
and in ten days
I won't think about you

Had a bad day
and you can't bring a smile
give a pessimist an inch
and she'll stretch it a mile.

You used to be smart
you used to be coy
but now your fat and ugly
and can't attract a boy

and everyone forgets you
you're not memorable at all
and though you thought you had it all
you are destined only to fall

So you crawl on your knees
so bloodied and weak
too stupid to give up
your war cries now too meek

you used to be a person
but you've been swallowed by the sad
and instead of getting even
you just wallow in the bad.

So cute!


This is so unbelievably inappropriate and wrong and possibly the funniest thing I have ever watched. But be warned! This is not for children, it has bad language and it is definitely TABOO!

Ok, now laugh really hard:

Sunday, September 12, 2010

I like it.

Even though I don't really like the MEANING of this song, I LOVE the beat. I can't STOP LISTENING TO IT. Someone send help!

B/c I don't wanna do my homework.

In other news, next time I go skiing I want to be wearing one of these hats. How seriously awesome are these? I would CRACK up if I saw one of these fly by me. Course, I kinda have a thing for hats. Kinda. Just a little. OKAY, I HAVE A PROBLEM!

I like these earrings. Don't mind me, I've become obsessed with Etsy.

2 Cities.

This is the tale of 2 cities
one sticky and sweet
the other jagged
but handsome and neat

The ants came in
and tore the first one down
they ate that candy
right to the ground.

But up stands
the handsome and neat
and he says
he can learn to be sweet.

So this city is filled
with love and passion
its so abounding
there's no need for rations

and it fills my cup
and it makes me whole
so in these streets
I will delight in a stroll.

Romance, BARF.

So right from the start
that love was a lie
but then in walks this
amazing guy.

His words have changed
into sweet poetry
and its obvious that
he's into me

So play me a fiddle
and not a violin
cause I'm not afraid
to let love in

and Maybe it'll be magic
and Maybe it'll be great
and maybe I've finally
found my perfect mate.

Lazy Sunday :D

I've got a sore heart
but you're making me believe
and the more I hear
the more I think I need.

Maybe the times not right
Maybe I'm too far away
but this friendship might
become more someday.

So many before you
have made me believe
and just when I trust them
they crush me and leave.

But you've always stayed
and your intentions seem true
and I'm starting to think
I could be with you.

So easy does it
and slow I will go
and when I'm ready to love,
you'll be the first to know.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Last night I had a dream that I was in love with a guy who's face I couldn't see and we lived in an apartment surrounded by ferns and trees and it had glass walls. There was another girl in love with him and they bickered all the time about his feelings for me. When they fought I would just lie down in the bedroom and watch the rain come down the windows.

In the end he chose me.

What does it all mean?

Also, the bastard gardeners chopped down the trees and shrubs that the chipmunks lived in and now they are all gone and I might die because I miss them so much. If I die tomorrow, I am haunting those gardeners.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

pygmy jerboa 体重測定



My best friend got hitched! Congrats to the greatest, bestest, most amazing woman on the planet! Justin is a lucky man!

Justin and Jacqueline, September 5th, 2010


XOXO and have fun in Canada you lovebirds! Make babies! So I can SQUEEEZE one! :D

Be Mine?