Thursday, February 11, 2016

It's Worth the Wait

I was once influenced into a bit of a Jezebel, emotionally manipulating men into liking me so that I could be intimate with them because that's where I thought love would be found.  I would think, well, there's a good looking man, I bet I can make him love me and live happily ever after in fantasy land.  As Carry Lloyd* put it, "I chewed the forbidden fruit, but it didn't give back as much as it took.  I decided to hang up my Agent Provocateur negligees, the contraceptive pill, and my need to perform for requited love." Yes, I've made the decision to wait for marriage, but it's not because I'm afraid God will strike me down with a bolt of lightening for having per-marital sex.  If that were true I would be dead by now, plus, my God is far more loving than the overly religious version so many feign away from.  Instead, I've just come to realize that I've used sex as a weapon to win what I thought was love all of my life.  My misconception of love left me in a lot of hurtful situations, and left my former self very, very lonely.  Now, I would rather wait for a man who can sacrifice his physical needs to get to know me and make an eternal commitment.  In my case, being intimate with a partner gave me false illusions of being in love with who he was, when in reality, I never took the time to get to know him and because of our intimate nature I would ignore blatant incompatibilities.  I want to know my partner, be my partner's best friend, and trust my partner implicitly.  I want true, unconditional love from a man who knows who I am and what I aspire to become, not someone in love with the curves of my body or how I "satisfy him," which was all I could find with my former lifestyle.  Frankly, I don't think what I want makes me prude.  I don't think that makes me crazy, or religious, or foolish.  I think that makes me strong, I think it shows that I know what I want because I know what doesn't work for me.  Maybe this concept doesn't work for everyone else, but maybe the concept that has worked for you hasn't worked for me, and now I am choosing to walk a different path.  It might be harder, it might be longer, but I know it will be filled with love from a creator with which nothing else can compare.  At the end of this path is a relationship with a strong foundation in faith, friendship, and real love - and it's worth the wait.

*Carry Lloyd is the author of Prude Misconceptions of a Neo-Virgin.  I highly, highly recommend this book, regardless of your viewpoints on sex, religion or life.  She is hilarious and this book is a rare gem.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Time and time again, I am told I am intimidating. Now I find myself wilting, shrinking back to make people more comfortable around me, but that is not who I am meant to be! I am a fireball of energy, a beautiful force to be reckoned with and the right man will see that, love that, and, step up to own that.  

Wednesday, February 3, 2016


The rain comes in droves here,
When it's cold it covers the world in white,
Like a blank canvas across the world outside,
Ready to be painted by something new,
So give me buckets of yellow and orange,
Because I'm ready to be me,
I'm ready to be new, loud and bright,
Ready to shine this light,
like a lazer beam through the fog,
I'm ready to take the world on.


I put my all into you,
And it tore me apart,
So I'm rocking on spindles,
Staring at my shattered heart,
When Jesus comes in,
And pulls me from the dark,
To a garden of love,
Where I'm finally safe again,
And He's teaching me to trust again,
And He's showing me how to feel,
The more I can turn to Him,
The lower my walls appear,
And someday I'll be strong again,
Yes, someday I will be whole,
Because as I learn to walk with Him,
He slowly heals my soul.