Every time someone is chosen over me,
The wound re-opens and starts to bleed

But there you are,
Reminding my soul
That I was chosen
Before I was born.

Loved enough for sacrifice
Saved through the greatest
Love of all time

Thank you, Lord
For your unconditional love,
For chosing me and showing
Me a love I've never known.

It's Worth the Wait

I was once influenced into a bit of a Jezebel, emotionally manipulating men into liking me so that I could be intimate with them because that's where I thought love would be found.  I would think, well, there's a good looking man, I bet I can make him love me and live happily ever after in fantasy land.  As Carry Lloyd* put it, "I chewed the forbidden fruit, but it didn't give back as much as it took.  I decided to hang up my Agent Provocateur negligees, the contraceptive pill, and my need to perform for requited love." Yes, I've made the decision to wait for marriage, but it's not because I'm afraid God will strike me down with a bolt of lightening for having per-marital sex.  If that were true I would be dead by now, plus, my God is far more loving than the overly religious version so many feign away from.  Instead, I've just come to realize that I've used sex as a weapon to win what I thought was love all of my life.  My misconception of love left me in a lot of hurtful situations, and left my former self very, very lonely.  Now, I would rather wait for a man who can sacrifice his physical needs to get to know me and make an eternal commitment.  In my case, being intimate with a partner gave me false illusions of being in love with who he was, when in reality, I never took the time to get to know him and because of our intimate nature I would ignore blatant incompatibilities.  I want to know my partner, be my partner's best friend, and trust my partner implicitly.  I want true, unconditional love from a man who knows who I am and what I aspire to become, not someone in love with the curves of my body or how I "satisfy him," which was all I could find with my former lifestyle.  Frankly, I don't think what I want makes me prude.  I don't think that makes me crazy, or religious, or foolish.  I think that makes me strong, I think it shows that I know what I want because I know what doesn't work for me.  Maybe this concept doesn't work for everyone else, but maybe the concept that has worked for you hasn't worked for me, and now I am choosing to walk a different path.  It might be harder, it might be longer, but I know it will be filled with love from a creator with which nothing else can compare.  At the end of this path is a relationship with a strong foundation in faith, friendship, and real love - and it's worth the wait.

*Carry Lloyd is the author of Prude Misconceptions of a Neo-Virgin.  I highly, highly recommend this book, regardless of your viewpoints on sex, religion or life.  She is hilarious and this book is a rare gem.

Time and time again, I am told I am intimidating. Now I find myself wilting, shrinking back to make people more comfortable around me, but that is not who I am meant to be! I am a fireball of energy, a beautiful force to be reckoned with and the right man will see that, love that, and, step up to own that.  

Ready

The rain comes in droves here,

When it's cold it covers the world in white,

Like a blank canvas across the world outside,

Ready to be painted by something new,

So give me buckets of yellow and orange,

Because I'm ready to be me,

I'm ready to be new, loud and bright,

Ready to shine this light,

like a lazer beam through the fog,

I'm ready to take the world on.

Healing

I put my all into you,
And it tore me apart,
So I'm rocking on spindles,
Staring at my shattered heart,
When Jesus comes in,
And pulls me from the dark,
To a garden of love,
Where I'm finally safe again,
And He's teaching me to trust again,
And He's showing me how to feel,
The more I can turn to Him,
The lower my walls appear,
And someday I'll be strong again,
Yes, someday I will be whole,
Because as I learn to walk with Him,
He slowly heals my soul.

Stay

Sometimes the World calls
and I feel myself slipping back
But then your voice whispers
Why would you want that?

The more I think about it now
The less I wanna go
All I know is
You're exactly where
I want to go

And I'm so thankful for your grace
I'm leaning heavily on your embrace

Stay, all I wanna do is stay
In your holy hands,
With an eternal love
That will never go away

Stay, all I wanna do is stay
Stay, all I wanna do is stay
Stay, all I wanna do is stay
Stay, all I wanna do is stay

It's hard when I feel the tug
of thorns in my side
When I struggle with wrong
When I know what's right

And I'm so thankful for your grace
I'm leaning heavily on your embrace

Stay, all I wanna do is stay
In your holy hands,
With an eternal love
That will never go away

Stay, all I wanna do is stay
Stay, all I wanna do is stay
Stay, all I wanna do is stay
Stay, all I wanna do is stay

Lead me

I’m going hungry over here,

So desperate to connect the line,

Between wholesome and a good time.

And maybe there’s a place for both,

So Jesus take my hand,

And lead me forth,

I want to leave the old me in the past,

And walk forward in your path,

Because your yoke is light and easy,

And I love the promise you forecast.

Too Much Honesty

These memories swirl like the flurries outside,

Burning me with every touch,

And do you remember me at all,

Or are you happy with her?

Every time I start to think about it,

I can’t help but get angry all over again,

Cause if you fell out of love,

I thought you’d at least treat me like a friend.

So when you look at that ring,

I hope you think of me,

I hope you think of me,

I hope you think of me.

I hate that I gave you the power to make me cry,

But never the strength to say goodbye,

Left me with nothing but questions,

When all I wanted was an honest confession.

And the worst part is,

Through it all, I realized I was never in love with you,

I just wanted that perfect picturesque life,

So I let myself get destroyed,

Chasing an illusion of being a wife.

You can be my hero

Sometimes the past sneaks in,
and burns your mouth,
scours on its way down,
and circles your heart again,
but then Jesus steps in,
and you remember His love,
it's a grand love, the greatest love.

And I can breathe again,
I can breathe again,
the horrors of the past,
can come to an end,

because you can be my hero,
you can be my hero,
you take my pain down to a zero,
yes, you can be my hero.

Oh, my savior, how I love your grace,
and how your mercy,
puts a smile on my face,
now I know, yes, I know,
I can let it all go.

And I can breathe again,
I can breathe again,
the horrors of the past,
can come to an end,

because you can be my hero,
you can be my hero,
you take my pain down to a zero,
yes, you can be my hero.

Renewal

Reaching for a dream that cannot exist,

Life has a funny way of breaking down my elements…

Even those that are strong and beautiful must fall,

Failure is what gives rise to the Phoenix

Because from the ashes come beauty,

Renewal.

As I redefine who I am,

I reach for your mirage and cringe

When you spurn my touch,

My friendship is a disease to you.

The lion ate the lamb…

But in the most tender of ways.

He fed on my heart, his delicacy was my release.

I relish the ashes.  I dream of the Phoenix.

And foolishly, I welcome back the lion…